Friendly Sell-Outs and Publicity Whores…

May 23, 2003 2:23pm
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How are you today? I’m great – thanks for asking!

Now on to the real focus of our attention today – why does everybody purposely do things that piss me off??? It’s common knowledge that I don’t take kindly to anyone asking for handouts, at least not those who inquire with serious intent and actually think I might give in. I work hard for my money and feel that sure, if you’re really doing something beneficial to society and need some help, then I’d be more than glad to make a donation – the boy scouts and girl scouts and cancer research and so forth fall into this category. On the other hand, if you’re just too lazy to work and think that I’m going to help support your sorry ass, then you’ve got another thing coming…

Situation #1: Intersection Beggars

We’ve all seen them with their shiny orange vests and collection buckets, taking up valuable space during rush hour that could be much more appropriately used for cars and other motor vehicles! I almost hit one the other day because he wanted my money and I wanted that particular spot of highway where he had been standing. It’s bad enough that these people solicit us during the holidays at every department and grocery store in town, so could you maybe just lay off on the drive home? Your life can’t possibly be worth the risk to make $43 off of those stupid little flowers, can it?!

Situation #2: We Lost Jesus…Again!

You’d think that somebody would’ve learned to put a leash on him by now, or maybe even one of those cool radio beacons with all of this new technology! But no, apparently Jesus remains lost to this very day, but the good news is that thousands and thousands of people are currently out combing the streets in search of him. I really hope they find him soon because I hear that his parents are pretty shook up about the whole thing…

Of course, I have a lot of very vibrant opinions about religion and Christianity and such, which I’m not going to go into right now for a lack of time, but I do want to say this – if you’ve become enlightened and want to dedicate your life to serving the lord, then I say that’s great – more power to you…just don’t expect to do it on my dime! I recently had a friend who somehow stumbled into this lifestyle, which I thought was particularly odd, especially for him, but to each his own, I suppose, or at least that’s what I thought until the letter appeared in my mailbox. It was a nice, form-written letter (certainly of the quality that you’d expect after ten years of friendship) that clearly explained his mission and newfound desire to share his love with the world, and then he told me how I could help! It’s good to know that even though I can’t be by his side all the time in spirit, my financial contributions will help to keep his spirits strong even in the worst of times…

If I had to very quickly choose the two biggest beefs that I have with religion, they would easily be that a) they’re continuously trying to force their own views onto others, knowing perfectly well that these people already have beliefs of their own; and b) that they consider their actions to be a service to the world, which everyone else should be grateful for and fund entirely out of our pockets. When I was a little kid, I had to bust my ass mowing lawns and selling Christmas trees to make enough money to go to summer camp each year, so why shouldn’t these guys have to pay for their own playtime? Maybe I wouldn’t feel so strongly about it if they were using the money to help build houses for the homeless or educate kids about the arts or even just help keep our sidewalks clean – feel free to even put up a sign afterwards that says “These homes were constructed in part by the members of XYZ Church and the donations of local residents” or something – actually make an effort and you can have some money, but don’t set out to argue that your God is better than everyone else’s God and then expect me to pay for it.

Whew! Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, it’s time to hit the road! I’ll be using this extended weekend to find Jesus kick back, relax, and drink beer with my friends, which is scheduled to take place waaaay up there in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. I’ve got a good six hour drive ahead of me, so if you see somebody pulled over alongside the road, beating the snot out of a tourist with his tire iron for driving half the speed limit, either get out and help or just keep driving! Oh yeah, and if anyone feels compelled to scribble down some funny in the form of a humor column and help Scott get caught up this weekend, then I’ll give you a donation!

Happy Memorial Day!!!

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