Toddler Minded Nipping Turtle

February 9, 2019 1:23am
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Story Time!

David and Christopher have been growing this expanding foam turtle for a couple of weeks now. It’s the kind that starts out super tiny and then you submerge it in water and over time it grows to several hundred times its original size.

Last night we finally let Christopher open the bag it was in and take it in the tub to play with, and he had a lot of fun!

So tonight I thought I’d let David do the same because he’s been wanting to play with it all week and he didn’t get a bath last night, but when he came into the bathroom and saw the turtle already in the tub from the night before … he was very nervous.

He was also curious, and peeked over the side, but when I suggested that he take off his clothes – like I’d already done with Matthew and put him in the tub – he was not a fan of that idea at all.

I finally got him into the tub by picking it up and tossing it on the other side of Matthew, and then about sixty seconds later as the water level started to rise and Matthew started moving around, all of a sudden CRYING AND PANIC!

“TURTLE BIT ME!!!!!!”

It was then that I pieced together everything and finally realized … David thought that it was actually a real turtle!

And as much as I tried to reassure him that there was no possible way that this fake foam toy turtle BIT HIM, he was having none of it and I finally had to throw the thing in the sink to recover any semblance of a normal bathtime.

I also kissed the imaginary boo-boo that the mean turtle had apparently made when it bumped into his arm under the bubble bath…

Even so, that kid watched that turtle sitting on the edge of the sink like a hawk for the entire duration of his bath!

He also tried to warn Christopher about the turtle when he came in, but at least Christopher understood – thank god – that the turtle he’d been wearing on his head the night prior wasn’t in fact a real turtle in the slightest.

We even showed him how, unlike real turtles, this one happens to have Made In China stamped on his belly, which Christopher thought was pretty funny, but by then David’s trauma had already been done.

I really hope that kid doesn’t have nightmares about turtles tonight… 😛

Dream Journal : Fragments

September 19, 2017 10:26pm
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It was a bizarre cross between a cub scout meeting and a D&D game, and we were trying to solve some sort of puzzle.

There were other groups “competing” at the same time as we were, but after a few steps of rolling dice we came to learn that the puzzle wasn’t solved by the results of each step, but simply by taking a step back to look at the steps themselves and how they related to each other. When we finally came to realize that “the answer” was Back to the Future, we ran upstairs to tell whoever was running the puzzle, only to find that it had all been a facade and we were lost in this strange, urban area once we left the basement behind…

* * * * *

For whatever reason, I was grocery shopping when the power went out at the store, and no one really knew what to do. All of the employees had randomly disappeared, leaving just a handful of us alone in the dark, empty store with things in our carts that hadn’t been purchased yet.

After much deliberation, I decided that the things I had would spoil either way, so I reluctantly walked out of the store without paying for them, only to be confronted with a very large, billboard-sized sign in the parking lot citing that food taken when the store had been abandoned was still stealing and considered to be a very bad crime.

By the time I had everything in my car, I was being chased by several police cars as I zipped through the darkened city, desperate for a place to hide. Eventually I came across a row of miniature compartments – not like houses, but akin to the mailboxes found at an apartment complex, only large enough to fit inside. So I did.

As I was stashing a few items away in the back of the locker and stuffing my pockets with anything that would fit, Lisa Simpson appeared and asked if I’d like some help carrying the rest of my items home.

* * * * *

We were canoeing in a tropical area and suddenly came upon many sharks in the water, all no more than probably 4 – 5 feet each. Though they were mostly harmless, our guide reminded everyone to keep their hands out of the water as we cautiously glided among them.

Eventually we came upon another boater whose boat was filling up with water, which made everyone nervous because he himself was in the water and dangerously close to the sharks.

Just then – a hundred or so feet away – a much, much larger shark took down the larger guide boat that had brought us all out to the area.

I paddled away as fast as I could, following the shoreline that soon became cluttered by all of the discarded boats that had come before us and too had fallen for their trap…

* * * * *

We were moving into a new home that was much smaller than the apartment where we previously lived. It was going to be tight quarters, but it seemed all for the best as we struggled to find places for our essentials and get rid of the excess that we didn’t need and frankly didn’t have room for.

We still had one load of larger things (which we didn’t have room for) left to bring before we handed back our keys, so I was trying to shuffle things around to make some space. As I was sorting through the small bedroom that was to be shared by the kids, I was interrupted by a large, older man who proved to be our new maintenance man. He was friendly enough and seemed to already be taking to the kids when our neighbors suddenly began playing their music very loudly.

Without a second thought, he walked over to the bedroom wall where there was actually a door dividing the two rooms and pounded on it to prompt them to quiet down. A moment later, someone opened the door and showed that it wasn’t another home on the other side, but a store of sorts. The maintenance man and the store owner chatted for a few minutes while I looked around and saw mostly displays filled with candies nearest to our door, with one of our other neighbors eventually walking by inside the store with an armful of candy telling me, “You’re really going to like it here!”

After the maintenance man left and closed the door, I noticed that it could only be locked from the store’s side and looked around for something I could put in front of it to help remedy the situation. There were pieces to one of the boys’ beds nearby, but all were too light, so instead I considered an old, ornate dresser that had been left behind.

Opening its top drawer, I found the inside scrolled with seemingly satanic rituals, and began to wonder why the last family had left it behind.

Are you sure you don’t want a banana???

November 11, 2015 2:15am
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I was singing the chorus to this old classic from Tally Hall to the kid while we were walking through Walmart earlier this evening … decided to show him the video before bed and forgot how extraordinarily creepy the actual video for the song really was!

Needless to say, I had to summon the aid of one C. Monster to help bring things back to his level… 😉

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I don’t know what it is about this movie because it’s really just awful, but there’s something about its awfulness that makes it ideal for turning on at 3:00am when you really should just call it a night and go to bed already!

And it’s funny because I don’t think I actually discovered the full movie until a couple of years ago after having seen bits and pieces online and finally searching out the actual name of the thing, but I’m pretty sure that I did first hear that “classic” line from the likes of Duke Nukem, even though as terrible as it was, I do think it was still better delivered by Roddy Piper.

Fun Facts: Apparently Roddy was also a fairly successful professional wrestler, and now he has his own podcast! 😕

“…either put on these glasses or start eatin’ that trash can!”

Dream Journal : The Blaze

February 7, 2015 1:36pm
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I was still living with my Mom when we came home to find that our house was on fire.

I frantically called 911, but the operator was aloof to the point where I started screaming at her when she just mumbled monotonously through my questions.

“How long is it going to take them to get here?! My house is on fucking fire!!!”

While we waited out in the driveway, I briefly considered running in to try to save some things, but ultimately I realized that it was a bad idea and a few minutes later, the fire trucks rolled up and began to get to work.

The next evening once everything had been cleared, I looked around and found that the damages hadn’t actually been that bad. Despite burning for what seemed like forever, the fire was almost completely contained to the roof and although there were numerous areas where you could see right through to the starry, night sky, most of our belongings were still ok.

Plus, I lived in the basement, so my stuff went relatively untouched.

Nonetheless later on I found myself scrambling to pack up my things as some people from my old Boy Scout troop helped carry boxes up the stairs – some of them just went out to my car, while the bulkier things were packed into a big moving truck.

The last thing I remember packing were several bankers boxes full of Nintendo Power magazines, followed by a bevy of old industrial batteries destined to be recycled. Not really sure where I was moving to, although when I tried to look up the story about the fire online, my browser kept diverting to news about Tampa instead.

The Internet is Weird.

September 27, 2014 3:30pm
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Oh, PERIOD HUMOR!

June 22, 2014 1:27pm
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🙄

Dream Journal : Senior High, Revisited

June 14, 2014 2:01pm
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It started off as the first day of my senior year of high school.

Except apparently in this version of high school you actually registered for classes on your first day instead of well in advance … sort of … I’m not really sure! I had somehow gotten a list of where I was supposed to go emailed to me in advance, so I waited in line with everyone else for a line bit and then randomly just stopped doing that and went to my first “class” instead.

Which was where things started getting weird because as I went to sit down on one of the plush, cushy sofas that filled the “classroom” for this particular “class,” I noticed either my ex-girlfriend or my current girlfriend … it was really unclear which she was, only that I both wanted to talk to her and wanted to avoid her at the same time!

So yeah, pretty much my high school experience in a nutshell.

Aside from that, what was really weird about “the class” was that although it started out being something about some horror movie that I had no interest in, it turned out to be this really cool class about film studies that apparently was highly coveted among students. The guy’s presentation ended with him saying something like, “On average, 33 of 35 of our students graduate with A’s in this class, and it’s going to fill up in about 30 seconds … so good luck with that!”

By the time the presentation was over, I had somehow transported to the front of the class to see things better, but when I turned to see the girl I had been avoiding, she had already left with whatever friends she was there with.

The school seemed to transform a lot throughout this experience, as at one point I found myself wandering into a boy scout meeting that was apparently using one of the rooms in the school, although I quickly left after looking around and realizing that I knew absolutely no one in the troop that was doing their thing.

Even in dream world, going to a scout meeting felt very uncool and I tried to make sure that nobody saw me leaving as I did! 😛

The school continued to change and it soon seemed like I found myself more in a shopping mall/arcade than it did a high school. I don’t think I even went to anymore “classes” at this point, instead just wandering around looking for the girl. At one point I passed a candy store that had these little pumpkin truffles for sale, which I passed on and then was immediately reminded that they were pumpkin by one of my classmates, so apparently some things like that will follow you anywhere!

There was also a random stint where I went to check out my locker, which was weird for a number of reasons … one, because apparently I was right next to Sara, though we weren’t in a relationship or anything that I could tell and I was more surprised that she had a locker next to me because our names weren’t near each other alphabetically and she went to a different school anyways! Two, I was pissed because they were super-smaller than ever, and for mine in that little drawer up top where you can keep books, there was an air conditioning unit taking up the entire space, so I was just SOL there. And third, when I finally noticed just how thin the lockers were – ours weren’t up against a wall, but instead free-standing in the middle of a room – they were only maybe 6″ across for both lockers on either side.

The locker scene ended when a couple of bimbos got in a fight in the next row over and knocked the stupid lockers over altogether. It didn’t really phase me because mine was too small to be of use anyways…

Back on the hunt, after walking through an arcade area that looked really cool, though I didn’t stop because I still wanted to find this girl and either ask her what was up or chew her out … I wasn’t really sure … finally a particularly bitchy girl came running up and said that she’d just saw her, but didn’t want to tell me where she was. I eventually got it out of her and ended up making an entire lap around the place without ever seeing her. It wasn’t until I circled back around to the arcade again when I was just about ready to give up and play some games instead, that I finally found her, but she was laughing and playing games and having a good time with the people she was with, I ended up just letting go and walking away.

On my way out of the complex towards the buses or whatever, there was a very vast and open sandy area that we had to walk across. I was randomly walking with a bunch of other kids, and then I noticed these strange things buried just underneath the surface in between random patches of grass in the sand. Another kid stepped on one, and a huge snake popped out of the ground – maybe a foot long or more, but very thick and palish white looking (i.e. creepy) – yet he just sort of laughed as he threw it to the side while it tried to bite him. A moment later, I stepped on one, too, but it just hit my pants leg and bounced off harmlessly.

As we continued walking out, the crowd quickly slimmed to I don’t know where until it was just me and a bunch of huge semis pulling away – apparently they actually held the arcade that we’d seen and were already packed up to move on to the next school.

Fade to black. 🙄

Is anyone really FOR animal cruelty?!

June 4, 2014 5:35pm
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These kinds of things that circulate around Facebook amuse me … I know they’re just meant to be shared as a way of showing your support, but the way my mind works, instead I interpret them as saying you’re the direct opposite if you don’t share them!

Now if you’d excuse me, I need to go club a manatee … but not in a cruel way. 8)

(if only there were some sort of support group for that sort of thing)

Searching … for something…

May 23, 2014 2:19am
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So admittedly this blog doesn’t exactly have scads of traffic, but having thousands of posts results in people occasionally wandering by … sometimes via some pretty bizarre search terms!

Every now and then I pull up Google Analytics just to see how people are finding this site, and the general weirdness never ceases to amaze me. These were some of my favorites that stood out so far this year…

  • shower heads
  • bronies creep me out
  • air humping dog gif   <— Wait, what now???
  • amc cartoon porn
  • big pink ham gum   <— Futurama, anyone?
  • deceptive pizza photography
  • giant slug near seattle
  • how many calories in cardboard
  • kevin smith cake pop
  • my friend showing off his new tv thinks his picture is great but it sucks soap opera effect
  • remove me from sears mailing list   <— LOL, I’m not the only one!
  • save the god damn frogs!
  • sex videos i can download using broadband internet on my phone
  • teeheehee boobies   <— Ahhhhh, maturity…

As for internal search on the site, it was a much closer race. The two search terms that tied for the one and only place in this category??? pornbot and nastysex … no idea why because neither of those terms returns any results, but maybe it’s a hint as to how I could be better tailoring my writing in the future?!  🙄

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