A father calls his son a few days after being put into a nursing home…
“Son, you’re not going to believe it! This morning while my nurse was helping me get dressed, I got an erection … and she just gave me a blow job – just like that!” he said enthusiastically.
“Dad, that’s incredible!” replied his son.
“Thank you so much for putting me in this place…” he said before the two said their goodbyes and hung up the phone.
A few hours later, the son received a much more frantic call from his father…”
“Son – you’ve gotta get me out of here! I was walking down the hallway and I slipped and fell, and out of nowhere these two orderlies showed up and fucked me in the ass!”
“Well, Dad…” the son consoled his father, “earlier you said you got a blow job from your nurse, and you’ve gotta take the good with the bad…”
“No, no,” his Dad interrupted him. “You don’t understand – I get an erection once a month, I fall down three or four times a day!”
I love that joke!
So anyways … I’m in the hospital … with cellulitis!
I didn’t know what it was until I googled it, either, so feel free to check out that link above. In my case, it means that my left shin looks like hell and feels even worse to walk on.
And here I’m supposed to be going on vacation the day after tomorrow?!
Truth be told, this is the first time I’ve ever been admitted to the hospital. Sara’s spent the night as a patient more times than I can count, but I’ve been relatively lucky until this point. We’re hoping that I’ll get discharged tomorrow after a few more bags of antibiotics do their thing, so we’ll see.
It does, however, give me a new perspective on how lonely hospitals can be. I mean, my caregivers have all been great so far, but my time down in the ER before I got admitted was really rough – I was by all myself (because Sara stayed home with the kids), and the room was freezing, and I couldn’t eat or drink anything until they decided on a treatment plan, and all of my devices were low on batteries, and it didn’t matter anyways because the hospital’s wifi is shit…
It definitely gives me a newfound sympathy for my fellow inmates here.
Down in the ER, I almost felt guilty because there were so many moans and groans, and my biggest complaint was just being cold because my leg doesn’t really hurt if I keep off it.
For a while they had parked an old lady who was 91 years old right outside my room and I honestly wasn’t sure if she was alive or dead until she too started moaning.
I don’t think I could work in a place like this, but I tip my hat to my wife and sister-in-law and every other nurse and doctor and tech who rises to the challenge each and every day.
One thing I was kind of impressed with is how technology integration is improving. Before I was allowed to watch TV, I had to sit through a handful of tutorial videos about “how to be a good patient” that were actually really good because they talked about how it’s ok to ask questions if you don’t understand something, and to tell your caregivers information even if you’re not sure whether it’s relevant, and even telling patients to call out their caregivers if they don’t wash their hands before they enter the room.
It was a unique way to present what was previously probably just another paper to sign, and I think it gets the message across a little better.
I also like how the TV gets a pop-up whenever someone enters the room that shows you their name, picture, and job.
There are some areas that still have a ways to go – the “learn about my meds” option just goes to a search box, which was useless to me because I only have controls on my remote, not a full keyboard.
Same for the Patient Portal, which just loads a webpage for access to their web portal and ultimately wants a username and password … again, useless without a way to actually input letters and numbers!
I don’t know if maybe there’s a wireless keyboard hiding around this room somewhere, but the key to any good interface is simplicity, so I shouldn’t have to look or ask.
Anyways, the kids already came to visit and Christopher tried stuffing his graham crackers into the controls for my bed, so hopefully they won’t have to move me anywhere tonight!
I’m comfortable, but very restless.
I do have a nice view of my primary care physician’s office from across the little pond thingy, which is better than the roof/construction zone Sara had when she was pregnant with the twins!
Time to watch a bad movie or two before bed…
