This is pretty great! I don’t know which is better – Moe as Gollum or Mr. Burns as Smaug…
This is pretty great! I don’t know which is better – Moe as Gollum or Mr. Burns as Smaug…
So good news, everyone … this is officially happening…
And also for a more sugary take on it all…
What to say, what to say?! 
It’s all still very surreal to me, even though we’re technically now out of the first trimester and are 1/3 of the way to having a baby.
HAVING A BABY
It’s definitely going to take a while to get used to seeing those words in the present tense instead of merely wishful thinking!!!
There’s a lot of back story behind all of this that I promise we’ll talk about eventually … it’s been quite the ordeal over the last couple of years, to say the least … but for now I’d rather focus on the crazy, insane, unbelievable positive that in roughly 187 days I’m going to be a Daddy! 😯 😯 😯
Needless to say, I’ve already started on the first of many new humor columns that are to be written about the mere idea of me being a parent. It’s wild, and the one thing that I’m starting to realize from talking to other people who are already classified as such, it’s that as much as I feel like I’m not ready, I’m starting to get the impression that most people never are, and it’s just one of those things where you roll with the punches and just kind of see what happens…
And so that’s what we’re going to do! There’s so much to do, and a lot of it honestly makes me feel equal parts excited and terrified, but I’m just trying to take it one day at a time as Sara and I slowly prepare for one of the biggest things that will ever happen in our entire lives … no pressure.
Current Baby To-Do List:
187 days and counting… 😯 😀 😕 😐 
I just cleaned that gigantic mess out of our kitchen pantry, where it had accumulated for several months.
My wife decided to try NutriSystem around November of last year, and for the first couple of months it worked great! She probably lost 20-30 pounds – we’ve got the Beanie Babies with the #s stitched into them around here somewhere to prove it, but the problem was, just like Weight Watchers or any of the others where they sell you food to eat, is that inevitably you eventually realize just how terrible the food actually is, and gradually you start eating less and less of it as you slip in just a bit of regular food here and there, and before you know it you’ve got shelves of this crap with new shipments coming in every 4 weeks that you don’t even have room for anymore!
Seriously, I think our last shipment before she finally put the thing on hold earlier this year probably stayed in the box for a good month and a half while we convinced ourselves that it was still possible to “catch up” and get back on track. I even started eating some of it myself – at least the ones that I could stomach – but that only lasted so long because you can only eat so much of the same packaged, microwavable crap day after day. There are only so many choices that they can give you, and if you end up not liking a sizable number of them, you’re pretty much committing yourself to eating the same thing every. damn. day…
Of course, I don’t have a huge bushel of room to talk because I was trying to lose weight right alongside her doing my own thing and I wasn’t really very successful, either, but it just goes to show you that it’s really willpower that you need to lose weight – not some fad diet or books or a new workout routine. I never really cared for these types of schemes because the question always in the forefront of my own mind was “How am I supposed to switch back to normal foods after eating all of these meticulously-planned meals for month after month???” Sure, they tell you that they’ve got a graduated plan to ease you back into the real world once you’ve hit your target weight, but the truth of the matter is that most people probably never even get to that stage because they slip far before they ever reach their target weight and once they’re reminded what a hamburger not made out of cardboard tastes like, the food starts backing up like a clogged toilet. 🙁
I need to see if there’s a food bank nearby where I can donate all of this crap instead of feeling guilty about throwing two months worth of “food” in the garbage…
I kind of feel a little silly that this book literally came out three years ago and I’m just now getting around to publishing it in e-book form. I’ve actually tried it a couple of times in the past, but the formatting can sometimes be kind of a pain in the ass and I always ended up throwing my hands up in frustration before it was ever done.
But it’s done now, and as sort of a mini-celebration I’m currently offering it as a free download on Kindle for the next week (promo ends on 10/31 at midnight). After that you’ll be able to pick it up for $2.99, which is considerably cheaper than the $9.95 paperback price, as I think it should be. Few things drive me nuts more than seeing people pricing their e-books at or even above what they would charge for physical copies – especially the big box publishers. I couldn’t imagine someone paying more than ten bucks for a digital copy of a book when the print copy is the same price, considering that there’s no thing to physically print and ship anymore…
But that’s an entirely separate rant that we’ll save for another day! 😛
Anyways … humor! I know that I’ve kind of been slacking in this area for a while – visitors to comedic-genius.com will note that I haven’t really put up any new humor columns since February, and even then they’ve been few and far between for the last year and a half. For a long time, I’ve kind of been taking a bit of a break from humor to work on some other things, but let the release of this book come as somewhat of a sign that hopefully we’ll be seeing some new things in that area here in the upcoming months. I don’t want to share a date at this point, but I’ve been working on a brand new website that better highlights my archives (over 400 humor columns now?!), I’ve started writing columns again, despite not posting them anywhere yet, and I’m even starting to get some things in the works for next year.
Ok, so here’s a bit of a spoiler – 2014 will mark the 15th anniversary of The Humor Column … spanning 1999 – 2014, and so without giving too much away, I’m pretty proud of that accomplishment and I’m hoping to do a bit of trumpeting throughout the year in celebration. At some point during the year, we’ll see humor column #500 go up, and I would also expect humor book #3, which was actually supposed to happen this year but got postponed for … reasons.
There will likely be some other cool stuff, too, but we’ll save that until the new site goes up and we’ve got some other stuff out of the way. I would also expect to eventually see an e-book for Random Things That Amuse Me… hitting Amazon’s virtual shelves here sooner than later … now that I’ve worked out most of the kinks with book #1, my hopes are that book #2 will be a little less time consuming to knock out! Maybe Thanksgiving-ish, maybe December-ish for that one – I really don’t know yet…
But go download book #1 FOR FREE right now, if for no other reason than IT’S FREE and I WROTE IT and I DON’T PLAN ON IT BEING FREE FOREVER BECAUSE IT’S HARD TO BUY FOOD WHEN I’M CHARGING $0.00 PER COPY INDEFINITELY, but in the meantime, please grab yourself a free copy while you can and enjoy!!! 
I sometimes feel bad when I have to yell at Cleo for going crazy about seeing another dog.
Just now, she was looking out the front window – something that she does a lot during the day – and a couple of people were walking their dogs by on the sidewalk. The problem is, she gets super-duper-crazy excited when she sees pretty much any creature with more than 2 legs, and when she does this, she turns into this hyper psycho dog that starts clamoring and scratching at the window like she was being starved for oxygen or something! 😯
My main concern, mind you, is that one of these days she’s going to break the window, which would be a problem two-fold because a) I have no idea how one goes about replacing a window, and b) no doubt broken glass and such would be somewhat bad for Cleo, too, considering that once she breaks the window she’s likely to go flying through it en route to whatever caused her to assail said window in the first place!
But physical damages aside, sometimes it also makes me wonder about her psychologically because when I inevitably have to go up and usher her away from the window, amidst all of her shaking and yelping, I can tell that she’s certainly distraught, which from my imagination falls into one of two categories:
I mean, think about it if the roles were reversed – if you stayed locked up in the house all day with only a window to the outdoors, and maybe occasionally you got to go out and play with other humans, but your memory was really short so you don’t always remember those times, when you saw another being that looks just like you walking past on the other side of the glass, wouldn’t you start to wonder what in the hell is going on and begin to question everything about your so-called happy life that you’ve ever known?!
Granted, maybe I need not worry about that being the case because it’s not like Cleo has ever attacked me as her captor after piecing together dogs’ place as man’s pets or even so much as licked me to death to know the truth about what lies beyond the front window in our family room. It’s just that ever since we got her a couple of years ago, I’ve always been curious about what she thinks and what she remembers and how she learns. She’s not like the fish that I’ve had for most of my life where they pretty much just bob around and be fish – she’s learned a surprising number of words, most of them relating to food and her getting to go on walks, and she reacts differently to different people that she knows.
It makes me wonder what else goes on inside that furry, little head of hers … aside from the food-related thoughts … I’m pretty much on top of those already… 😛
I’d say that I could sit and listen to Jerry Seinfeld talk about nothing all day, but then again, I guess we already did that for nine seasons. 😉
One of the things that’s usually pretty good for getting me revved up and inspired in the creative world is gawking at other successful creative people, so the other day when I found myself with a scad of business work, I was pleasantly surprised to stumble upon this video from PAX Prime with likes of Mike & Jerry from Penny Arcade to help me pass the time!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtJfjzFPEnM
It’s kind of cool because unlike some of the other Q&As that they’ve done, this one was led by Robert Khoo, who’s best known as the business unicorn that lifted their comic to its destiny … and officially speaking, I guess you could say that he runs the company now, and it’s certainly no secret that under his leadership, they’ve done very, very well for themselves! And so in a way it’s inspiring for me to listen to these guys talk so candidly about how their business operates and some admittedly controversial happenings that they’ve seen over the years, and how they’ve grown with them as a result.
Admittedly one piece that also piqued my curiosity was the couple of questions that touched on money, both in how it has affected Mike & Jerry’s lives in addition to the bit on various companies bidding to buy out Penny Arcade there at the end. I’ve always assumed that by this point they’re both doing very well, but it seems a little weird to put an actual number on something that started out as a couple of guys drawing comic strips in their apartment in between playing video games. I think that’s what’s inspiring the most to me – simply to be able to see the entire arc of their success from the ground level back in the late ’90s to now being this huge, but still incredibly small business of little more than a dozen people who create the largest webcomic on the Internet and raise millions of dollars for charity and run the biggest gaming conventions in the world, among all of the other new projects that they have popping up all of the time.
It’s very cool to me to see something like that because it gives hope to the types of creative stuff that I’d like to do myself.
A few other videos of theirs that I enjoyed in this same marathon session…
A) This is like the third one we’ve found in the last couple of months – the other two have been in the bathroom, and I’m not sure which is worse.
2) How in the world am I supposed to kill a cockroach that’s on the ceiling, anyways?! Anyone who’s ever tried to kill a cockroach on the floor knows that they’re basically invincible! There’s only one way that this goes down – I smack it with something, it falls and lands on me, and then I die – case closed.
😕 😕 😕
Ok, so actually I already took care of it. You don’t think that I’d be sitting here writing this post with a cockroach dangling over my head, now would I?!
To be honest, it did go down sort of like #2 … I ended up squashing it with the Swiffer, which I think is the only time I’ve ever used that thing. I held the thing in place for a good minute, trying to smash it as well as I could from ten feet below on the floor and more importantly, without giving it the opportunity to make a mad dash.
When I finally pulled away the Swiffer, it fell as expected (though thankfully not into my face) and stumbled around a bit, so I slammed the Swiffer back into the carpet to hold it in place while I found a more formidable weapon to finish him off. I ended up grabbing a nearby candle jar (Apple Pumpkin Aromabeads, if you must ask – there will be a review up on the site about it tomorrow…) and with one fell swoop, I took that little motherfucker’s head clean off the second I lifted the Swiffer off of its back.
So far I feel no remorse, though I do keep checking the ceiling now for his buddies. Talk about a creepy way for bugs to attack – it’s not bad enough to sneak in under the door, so now they’ve got to drop in from above like out of some kind of Scott’s Personal Horror Movie?!
*shudder*
I’m tired and also petrified now. If anybody needs me, I’m going to go sleep outside … where it’s safe.
Remember this old classic from Freddie? Sadly, he hasn’t posted anything new in over a year … according to his website, he’s actively working on a new album that should be due out sometime soon, so keep your eyes peeled and your fingers crossed for that! 😉
Cleo was already awake when the first explosion hit.
As I walked out into the family room, I found her at her post in the front window like always … except that instead of trying to tear through the window like she would when an enemy squirrel was discovered within a hundred feet of the house, this time she was eerily calm.
Looking out the window across the dark red sky as flames from above lit up the night, I instantly knew why the change in her demeanor.
We were being activated.
There was no time to explain to my wife on our way out the door. “Whatever you do, just stay in the house. You’re safe here – trust us…” I called back as we ran out the door, myself in little more than the t-shirt and boxers that I slept in and Cleo without her leash, which in any other situation was something she probably knew that I would never do. As we rounded the corner of the block, I just hoped that we’d live so that I’d have the chance to explain to her who we really were…
Off in the distance, the source of our alert was unquestionable – a large, rock-like creature towered several hundred feet tall maybe five miles from where we stood. Occasionally it would throw something through the sky and the night would explode into a bright burst of flame as destruction rained down on our neighboring suburbs. What stood between us and it then was our immediate issue – a small faction of monsters that appeared to be working their way up the street from the front gate, shattering our neighbor’s houses as they went.
They didn’t know where we were yet, but they were coming for us. We still had the upper hand…
As I looked back in the direction of our own house in worry for my wife, a large fireball suddenly soared through the air in its vicinity, though just before it was to come crashing down and lay my humble home to waste, a thick, blue shell iced over the house as I had planned and absorbed the blast in a bright flash of light. The shield had worked and it could hopefully withstand another dozen or so blasts without being directly targeted, but we needed to stop the storm at its source sooner than later.
Neighbors at our end of the subdivision looked on in horror from their front lawns as they watched these ghastly beasts approaching from the distance while Cleo and I walked defiantly down the center of the street in their direction. Before long, she took off running ahead of me – something that would normally have caused me great concern – but this was very different and only a moment later she would validate that she could certainly handle herself. Each beat of her paws against the asphalt seemed to grow louder as she rapidly approached the intruders, but her thunderous approach wasn’t all that changed about her presence.
By the time she had reached her first victims at the end of the street, she had returned to her normal size – several times larger than even the largest lionesses that the world knew. The first beneath her paws didn’t even know what hit them as she plowed through them with full force, rendering them unconscious before they even hit the ground. Her claws now the size of daggers sliced through the beasts like a hot knife through butter as she savagely and vehemently defended her neighborhood from the unwelcome guests. She was just finishing ripping the last one in two from a nearby home when a much larger rock beast that was clearly their leader crashed through the front gate and stood towering over her, causing her to crouch down into a defensive position as she continued to growl menacingly at its entrance.
It took two swings at her, which she expertly dodged, though the house nearby wasn’t nearly as lucky. Just as it was about to take its third was when it noticed me for the first time, the blinding flash of my broadsword left us little time for conversation as it sliced through the air and removed one of the beasts massive arms without the least bit of resistance.
Cleo took this opportunity and charged at the beast’s legs, her teeth burying into the hard rock and causing it to topple over just before I delivered the final deathblow by sheering it clean in half at the chest, splinters of rock fracturing off from its body as it collapsed but bounced off of the imposing, heavy plates that now protected my own body like pebbles thrown by a child. Though our neighbors were in a grateful state of shock as they looked at the two of us, nearly unrecognizable as we stood tall amid the pile of foul corpses, there was little we could do to explain what was taking place as the fires continued to soar overhead, so without a word, I simply nodded to Cleo before jumping into the hefty saddle that appeared on her back, and we took off into the rubble as we left the subdivision behind us.
Trampling down the empty road, we thankfully saw little resistance as Cleo continued to work up speed. We were still early – that was a good thing. As her footfalls thundered more ominous, her leaps grew in bounds as the ground began to disappear from beneath us, her velocity so great that it pushed us further into the sky with each step as her massive paws crashed through the air with the larger beast in our sights.
“There!” I pointed as we grew close enough to begin to make out the monster’s features, with glowing, yellow eyes buried within mountains of rock as it towered over our poor, undeserving city. “Get us to the head,” I prompted her as I looked down in woe at the fires that already covered the landscape beneath us.
It wasn’t long from there that the beast finally keyed in on our presence and a few moments later, we found ourselves the target of an onslaught of rocks and flame as it tried in vain to prevent our hasty approach. Despite dancing through the air, Cleo expertly dodged each boulder that it threw in our direction, even gaining yet more momentum as she sprung off of them towards our target while I deflected the blasts of flame with a shield similar to the one that had protected our home back on the ground.
We couldn’t begin to imagine what those down below were thinking as they watched this epic battle unfold, though with any luck hopefully our new found presence was enough to keep the beast occupied to give our friends and neighbors a chance to take refuge. As we made our final approach and we stared into the beast’s piercing eyes that were nearly as big as we were, I raised my sword up into the air and a crash of bright light seemingly cut a hole through the fiery sky around us, reaching the legendary blade and a moment later scattering down around us like the rails of a cage made entirely of white light.
As the beast flailed wildly beneath us, its movements now restricted by the magical light, I brought my blade down deep within its skull as Cleo landed with full force, eliciting a deafening cry as the monster shrieked out in agony. Struggling to hold the sword in place as Cleo balanced atop the shaking beast, the light slowly began to close in around it until in one final shock wave, its life essence was sucked from its gargantuous body, leaving behind nothing more than a smoking mountain of rock, now frozen in time in the center of our suburban landscape.
Climbing off of Cleo’s back and using both hands now to pull my sword from the grey rock beneath us, I looked over the neighborhoods beneath us with relief as the sky began to return to its normal color, only then raising my eyes off to the distance as I noted my companion had already focused her own attention. Just off the horizon in seemingly all directions stood more of these same ominous rock creatures, that familiar, red hue blazing above them as screams of panic echoed quietly into the night.
“Do you think the others have been activated yet?” I spoke out loud as I looked to Cleo scanning for any glimmer of hope akin to what we had just accomplished amid the chaos, though the frown through her own teeth confirmed that my worst of suspicions.
Breathing a deep sigh, we both looked down at our own neighborhood to where our house still stood among others that weren’t fortunate with the same protections. We both wanted nothing more than to go back and stand guard in silence like we had for the last three years, but that’s not what we were there for. She was safe … for now … but the rest still needed us, whether our brothers were able to rise alongside us or should we be forced to fight alone. It wouldn’t be the first time, and it was up to us that we ensure that it wasn’t the last, either…
“Let’s go,” I solemnly prompted my loyal companion with resolution as the glowing sword slid back into its sheath behind me before I took my place in the saddle upon her back. Looking to the closest monster that was maybe 15 miles off at best, she crouched down and paused to lick at her paw for a brief moment, then sprung off the rock tower as we raced away into the fiery night sky to finish what we’d been brought here to prevent.