If Scott Wrote The Twilight Saga…

November 19, 2011 2:18pm
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Well, first and foremost, being insanely rich and all, who knows if I’d even be doing this goofy, little blog?! More likely I’d be bobbing around in the ocean on my yacht, perhaps ordering an array of hired hands to wittily blog for me, but since that’s not exactly the case just yet…

Anyways, my wife and her sister went to see the latest Twilight movie this afternoon – they’re actually still there right now, so in an effort to “get it all out of my system” so that I don’t drive them absolutely nuts when they get back, I thought it might be fun to pen up a few alternate plot twists that might’ve made this latest installment a bit more intriguing for those of us who aren’t still lusty eighth graders trapped inside the bodies of fully grown adults!

  • Edward and Jacob both reveal that they’re actually gay. Bella seems confused, so really no script changes for her whatsoever.
  • Vampire sex turns out to be a lot more violent and less gratifying than most women seem to fantasize that it would be. It’s actually pretty gross…
  • Jacob professes that he’s, in fact, able to transform into multiple animals, and Bella is torn on the thought that her shirtless boy-toy on the side spends his weekends climbing trees as a squirrel.
  • Bella’s baby turns out to be some sort of bizarre, vampire/werewolf hybrid that hates itself and spends a lot of time chewing on its own arms.
  • …and also, it pops out of her like that one from Aliens – that would be sweet!
  • In an attempt to further merchandising, a new family of mummies is discovered that hates vampires, werewolves, and humans! They even tease about Breaking Dawn: Part 2 introducing a variety of ghosts, but because they neither love nor hate, and can’t actually interact with the material world, it’s not actually that big of a deal.
  • J.K. Rowling makes a cameo appearance as a wizard with a much more dignified literary legacy.
  • Bella goes lesbian. There were a couple of hot vampire chicks in one of those earlier movies, weren’t there? Why do I just feel like a little gay would really liven this series up???
  • Everyone battles everyone in a war where there are no winners and in the end, there’s a lot of fake blood for the cleaning guys to have to mop up.
  • 30 seconds into the opening scene, all three stars abruptly turn to the camera and say, “Mahna Mahna!” and the rest of the movie is just The Muppets instead.

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