Dream Journal : Writing Fiction

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I was sitting down to work on my next piece. And I wanted it to be BIG. So big, in fact, that I could already see the title card for the animated feature in my mind…

WILDFYRE

But what … was … Wildfyre???

Was it a place?

Was it a person?

No.

As I pictured the opening sequence, I saw something big come crashing over the horizon … with whitecaps breaking against its bow as the music of a thousand men men rhythmically chanting rang out.

Yes.

Wildfyre was a ship!

A massive ship – with a huge, stone mast and massive sails that carried a crew of crusaders back to their people in glorious victory. They were hunters, and they had just finished up a successful harvest that would keep their tribe hearty for another year. 

But there was a catch … as there always is.

Because these proud hunters scoured the land for exotic animals, and unbeknownst to them the animals that they took were the last of their kind.

They were about to find out the consequences of their pillaging in a very unsavory way.

a survey about me … for 2018!

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It’s been over a year since I did one of these and I’m in a good mood tonight, so let’s get caught up on things about me, circa 2018…

Last TV Show Watched – Last Man on Earth

Superhero You’d Least Like to Die in Avengers: Infinity War – Cap, yet in a strange way I think I’m also ok if he dies because he’s had my favorite arc to date

Superhero You’d Most Like to Die in Avengers: Infinity War – Spider-Man, because I prefer my Spider-Men to at least be of drinking age

Last Video Game Played – Super Mario Bros

Favorite Thing(s) You’ve Written So Far This Year – Why We Love Legos! (Scott’s Guide to Life); Saying Goodbye to a Childhood Sanctuary… (Scott’s Thoughts)

If You Could Be On Any Cruise Ship Right Now… – the one we spent our anniversary on last fall would suit me just fine

Lego Set You’re Looking Forward to Building – Ship in a Bottle

Latest Collectible Purchased – Gizmoduck Funko Pop figure

Tomorrow You Have to… – drive to the airport, possibly rake leaves, possibly also do some actual work

Favorite Ice Cream – Ben & Jerry’s Peanut Butter World (available only at Target, for some reason)

Disney Attraction You’d Most Like to Ride – Soarin’ 2.0 … still haven’t checked out the new movie because the kids are too small

Thing You’re Looking Forward to Writing – more blogging, actually!

Car You’re Begrudgingly Getting Ready to Purchase – a minivan

If You Could Be Any Animal… – a fish, or maybe a shark, because either way life in the ocean seems so much quieter than life here on land

Sandwich? – Smoke Stacker from Honeybaked Ham

Bedsheet Color – dark blue

Last Amazon Purchase – diapers & wipes

Something Interesting You Read Recently – this article about how to positively influence the behavior of someone who has autism

Interesting Subreddit You’d Recommend – /r/datacenter … techie insight from people who run the world’s datacenters

If You Got to Pick Your Own Dream Tonight – I’d be up for a good knight’s tale where I fight a dragon (and live to talk about it).

More musings about trudging through the social media sewage…

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So I just posted the essay that I’ve been working on about taking a break from social media – go check it out over at Scott’s Guide to Life and then come back here for a few of my expanded thoughts…

The Social Media Cleanse

I’m not really sure what I want to do at this point because I do miss things like sharing goofy links and random parenting observations, but not at the expense of making myself feel awful when I get into fights over politics or just allow myself to get wound up by the immediacy of a news cycle that reacts first and asks relevant questions later, if ever.

Very briefly I pulled up both Twitter and Facebook to make sure that the links to my post showed up correctly, and I’m not exaggerating that after only a few minutes of scrolling, I felt my anxiety building until I finally just gave up and closed out each of the tabs. They were the same as I had left them a week and a half ago – like the shit cyclone has just been spinning this entire time, new Trump issues, same Trump channel.

And yet, there’s still great, hilarious stuff like this…

Part of me wonders if it’s worth trying to trim up my friend and follow lists to get them to a more manageable level, again because there are a (relatively small) handful of people who I genuinely want to keep up with either because they’re fellow writers, they make me laugh, or they’re just really good friends. 

Still, I think part of the charm of being away from social media has been not having that never-ending feed of updates to suck at my every waking idle moment. In a way, it’s been kind of nice to sit there watching TV at night and not have my phone in my hand, blindly scrolling through posts just as quickly as my social media master can serve them to me!

Sara says that maybe I should try using Facebook like she does – she rarely logs in, and when I say rarely I just mean weekly instead of hourly, and when she does, she tends to read messages in a few specific interest groups and keeps scanning her regular news feed from friends for last.

To be honest, I actually prefer Twitter to Facebook because I follow more like-minded people there, so maybe I need to do something like that, just on Twitter instead.

I recall exchanging a few emails trying to learn more about social media with fellow humorist Erik Deckers a few years ago and he recommended using it like a stream to dip into from time to time rather than a giant pool that I felt obligated to read every post from every person who I followed – that’s probably another good idea to help calm that feeling of being overwhelmed whenever I pull up my feed!

Combined with my mountainous concerns about Facebook oversharing personal data, being ravenous bastards with regards to their advertising program, and harboring the same walled garden principles that have turned me away from other networks in the past, I need to find a better way to make social media work for me so that the positive aspects outweigh the garbage.

I’m not sure if that means starting new accounts altogether or pruning the hell out of existing ones. Or possibly figuring out how to filter very limited versions of my friends lists so that I really only have to read those few that I genuinely enjoy.

It’s kind of funny because more than once I’ve actively noticed on Instagram where I’m clearly checking my feed too often because there might only be a half a dozen new pictures and the rest I’ve already seen before!

So if I’m concerned about Facebook and Twitter being a time suck again, maybe that’s a part of it – trimming down my lists until reviewing them becomes a once a day activity instead of all day, every day.

Still, Facebook and Twitter are a lot easier to post on than Instagram…

It’s so complicated, and it shouldn’t have to be!!!

It really makes me wonder how many other people struggle with using social media effectively versus letting it run/ruin their lives because I know I can’t be the only one who is driven crazy by the ever-spinning shit show.

#poopemoji

Things I’m Learning About My Head

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I’m happy to report that I’m doing a little better than I was the other day. Not amazing, but better nonetheless.

Over the last couple of days as I’ve struggled with mental stuff, I’ve done some reading and spent a lot of time thinking about my own actions and triggers, so I thought it might be useful to write up a few of them to share…

Although for the most part my anxiety is situational, not chemical, I find it kind of interesting to analyze and try to visualize how it is that my brain processes being overwhelmed.

For example, I read a description that I really took to heart where a guy stated that he had trouble looking forward to things – birthday parties for the kids, having company over, etc… – because in his mind, each of these things got framed as “more stuff that I’m going to have to do.” So having family visit balloons into this big mess because the house is dirty and needs to be cleaned, and the sheets for the spare bed need to be washed, and you’ve got to figure out what they want to eat and go grocery shopping … a methodology I can kind of relate to because when you’re already feeling overwhelmed, the last thing you need is people adding more stuff to your list!

I’ve also noticed that some people interpret being quiet as being upset, which makes things more challenging for me because A) I’m not really a very outgoing person anyways, and more importantly B) when I’m struggling, sometimes underneath that quiet I’m actually fighting against myself not to explode over things that I know shouldn’t bother me, but for whatever reason right now are just rubbing me the wrong way.

It’s definitely a true statement that when I hit those ugly lows, sometimes I lash out at people who’ve done nothing wrong except for be in the proximity when I’ve hit my breaking point, which is why I think I’d rather either have people not engage with me at all or just try to have a normal conversation with me instead of asking, “What’s wrong?” because I seem quiet or don’t have a beaming smile on my face.

Of course, that said – sometimes I just need a break from people, to say nothing about the people themselves, but sometimes talking with other people is mentally taxing and I need some alone time to unwind and let things mellow out again.

That’s the real crux of my anxiety, I’d say – because when I’m getting more and more overwhelmed by a situation, the key is to take a step back from it, not try to force myself to power through and be social anyways.

It’s interesting because the other day when I was particularly low, I thought about the end of the day and how I was going to finally relax and unwind once I’d gotten through it all. I dreamed about lighting a nice, relaxing ocean-scented candle and turning this app I have on my phone to the sound of ocean waves, and just laying back and unwinding for a bit…

…and yet instead of doing that at the end of my day, I wrote this blog post about it instead, and that ended up being just as therapeutic.

One thing I’ve definitely learned from going to therapy for something like three years now is that getting things out in the open is a much better way of dealing with them than keeping them stuffed up inside. Sometimes that just means talking about them with my wife or my therapist, but as I get older I’m also growing a little bit braver in talking publicly about my anxiety issues, and if someone else stumbles upon these posts and they help them through a hard time, then that’s a win-win as far as I’m concerned!

Don’t be surprised if I start writing about mental health here on my blog a little more, both to work through issues that I’m experiencing as well as do brain dumps of the random pieces I’ve gathered in my head from time to time. As long as they’re positive and productive, I don’t mind comments on these pieces, but I am going to maintain a zero tolerance policy if someone sees this as an opportunity to bitch about how therapy is for the weak or it’s all just in your head.

I mean, it is in my head … that’s what I’m trying to work out here on paper … but I don’t need anyone being a dick about it while I’m going through the process. That’s all.

10 Things I Love About Kids…

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  1. When you’re holding them and they put their little hand on your shoulder as if some sort of highly regarded confidant.
  2. Their insatiable passion for cookies.
  3. Quietly watching them play from a distance.
  4. Muppet shoes.
  5. Dinosaur roars.
  6. Genuine, earnest laughter.
  7. Teaching them how to fly.
  8. Perpetual, unbridled happiness.
  9. Perpetual, unbridled happiness with regards to food.
  10. Random leg hugs when you least expect them.

The Longest Day

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I don’t normally write about my problems with anxiety & depression, but today was probably one of the worst days that I’ve ever had, so I wanted to take a few candid notes here to read back to myself at another time…

There were parts of today where I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it through the day.

There were parts where I felt like a failure, both as a parent and as a husband.

There were parts where I had to beg my kids with tears in my eyes to do what I needed them to do because all they wanted to do was fight back.

I’m still recovering a bit from my kidney stones earlier this week, but I don’t think that was it. This is in my head.

Today my life completely and utterly overwhelmed me. It felt like I had 1,000 things on my plate to accomplish, and I was capable of accomplishing approximately zero of them.

It felt like I met every form of resistance along the way, most from the kids because toddlers just know how to push your buttons before they even know that they’re doing it. Not wanting to eat. Not wanting to put on clothes. Not wanting to stop hitting one another. There was just no end to it, to the point where I felt guilty of just how relieved I felt when I got the first two down for their nap … at which time the third started to up his game to make up for his sleeping brothers…

I screamed at one of my sons – multiple times – not out of anger, but out of desperation. And I knew before I was even done yelling that I was in the wrong by the way he winced and clamped his hands over his ears.

I don’t want to be the type of Dad that my kids fear. EVER.

Some people tried to help along the way, but I declined it – I think because accepting help for something that I felt like I should’ve been able to handle made me feel like even more of a failure.

I tend to get overwhelmed when I realize that I have more tasks to do than I can actually get done, and it’s much worse when more and more tasks continue to get piled on top while I’m already standing there staring with my hands up in the air.

What helped me to inch my way through the day was to stop and take a breath, and then choose three things that I was going to work on next…

  1. Take my pills.
  2. Feed the kids.
  3. Start the laundry.

The mountain was infinitely larger than that, but the list protected me from the mountain as long as I focused on it because nothing new gets to tumble down from the mountain onto it until it’s clear.

  1. Find clothes for the kids.
  2. Pack a bag with diapers and bottles.
  3. Start getting them dressed and ready to go, one at a time.

…

  1. Get the kids in the car.
  2. Refill the tank at the gas station.
  3. Drive-thru to pick up something for dinner.

…

Looking back, I don’t yet know how to prevent days like today from happening again, but I can tell myself this – I made it.

It was one of the worst episodes of depression that I’ve ever faced, and I survived it.

And I’ve got lots of follow-ups to do, and I’m sure I’ll talk a lot about it in therapy tomorrow, but that’s why I go. Because my brain has issues, and sometimes they grow to be completely and utterly overwhelming.

Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully it will be better than today was, but if it isn’t … I’m capable of surviving that, too.

Remembering Toys ‘R Us…

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It makes me really sad to think that the store responsible for suppling some of the best toys of my youth, and also my adulthood!, is closing.

Even today, it’s hard for me not to just wander around a Toys ‘R Us and take it all in – the toy sections at Walmart and Target can’t compare to their selection, and searching on Amazon just isn’t quite the same as browsing aisle after aisle after aisle of nothing but toys like Toys ‘R Us has offered us in person. I love the vast variety that can have you one minute looking at toddler toys and singing Elmos, then Power Wheels and scooters, then almost every Lego set currently in production!

I guess the thing that really bothers me is that unlike other types of stores, there really aren’t any alternatives that we can go to aside from those inferior options at other big box retailers for toys and nothing but toys. I mean, it’s bothered me for a while how toy stores have basically disappeared from our malls, except maybe at Christmastime in one of those odd, pop-up stores or kiosks that you know will be long gone come the new year. 

Disney used to have a decent toy store over at Disney Springs at Walt Disney World, but it was recently downsized to make room for a bigger Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique, I think?

Toys ‘R Us was fantastic, to steal the phrase from Chuck E. Cheese’s, at truly being the one and only place where a kid could be a kid. It was a totally immersive experience to be surrounded by toys from every veritable direction, and so it makes me sad that I won’t be able to treat my own kids to a visit after they get good report cards or we just feel like picking up some new Lego sets.

Not to mention, Toys ‘R Us has been the only local store that’s regularly had Collectible Lego Minifigs when I wanted them because Target and Walmart consistency fall short… :<

I think I might write a little more about this later, once I’ve had a chance to visit my local store and better soak it all in, but in the meantime The Game Chasers just posted a pretty great video looking back at their own memories from growing up as Toys ‘R Us kids. So many memories, so many video games, so many toys… 🙁

The Day I Quit Soda. Again.

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This morning I peed a rock out of my penis.

It wasn’t fun, and for those of you keeping score at home, it wasn’t the first time that I’ve done it, either…

I don’t know how big my other ones were, but this one clocked in at about 2 mm and I passed a couple of smaller fragments in the days before. I actually went for a CT scan this time and passed something right before I laid down for that, so I had been kind of hoping that it was already behind me, but no such luck.

Everyone says that kidney stones are the most painful thing that you’ll ever experience, and maybe I’ve gotten lucky so far because while they’ve certainly been no picnic, I never had a point where I was doubled over or anything. I couldn’t sleep a bunch, especially last night as this little bastard was working its way through … even on Vicodin … but all I can say now is that I think I’m finally out of the woods.

Also, I need to give up soda for good this time!

Apparently excesses in soda lead to increased acids and whatnot that cause stones to form, or maybe it’s the acids in the soda itself. I don’t know, but I’ve yet to find a doctor who says that Cherry Coke is good for my diet, and the resulting obesity certainly isn’t doing me any favors, either.

I love the taste of soda, but I don’t love the feeling of a 2 mm rock scraping its way through my insides.

For the last year and a half, plus way more before, I’ve used soda as a form of stress relief because life can be very overwhelming, but once you start peeing out rocks, it’s hard to argue the net benefit on your overall health anymore. I know that I’ve been drinking way too much lately … I recall watching a documentary where a couple filled an entire shopping cart with soda as their weekly haul and thinking at the time that it was just ridiculous, and although I’m still not quite to that depth, there are more times than I’d like to admit that I’ve polished off a 2 liter bottle in barely two days.

A liter of soda has about 400 calories to it, so conservatively speaking, 2 – 3 bottles a week is upwards of 2,000 calories just from soda!!!

Plus the kidney stones in the pee…

So I’m quitting soda. Again. Except for in the occasional mixed drink, which is honestly less than one a month, so I think that’s more than reasonable from where I am today.

That is, recovering in sore pain, staring down a tiny stone that all but prevented me from getting any sleep last night as it s-l-o-w-l-y inched its way through my ureter from my kidney to my bladder.

And the second trip out the door was no picnic, either. 😛

Goodbye, soda – it was a fun run. Kind of. But I’d like to actually run with my kids now and you’re not helping.

Also, the rocks shooting out of my penis – those have just got to stop. Nothing personal.

A brain dump about dollars and cents…

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Corporations can be a good thing, but usually they only operate in their own self-interests … which I suppose is a lot like people, but we should be striving for something more.

Workers are supposed to be happy about companies that have announced raises and bonuses on account of President Trump’s tax reform, however it was recently reported that these same companies have initiated $171 billion in stock buyback programs while spending roughly $6 billion on workers … that’s 3% for the workers, 97% for executives and investors.

And speaking of executives, why is it that employers seem eager to pay their executives top dollar “in order to attract talent” but don’t offer that same commitment to retain their rank and file employees? A C-level executive can join the company with a six-figure salary and stock options worth millions, work for 18 months or less, and then move onto the next company with a healthy severance package, while lower-level employees are supposed to be grateful for a single-digit percentage bump every few years???

Also, a 2% annual raise isn’t really a raise at all when inflation is running at the same rate.

Still, it’s hard to look down your nose at 2% when some employers give minimum wage workers a $0.25/hour raise and expect them to be grateful for it.

I watched a story today about how Walmart is decimating small towns by closing stores where years or decades ago they strong-armed themselves into – at the time they got millions in tax breaks, promising jobs and economic growth to the area, and now that they’ve put all of the smaller stores out of business, people will have to drive to the next town over for groceries or their jobs because despite making $14 billion last year, they feel they can squeeze a bit more by moving a store 45 miles east regardless of what they leave in their wake.

Low wage jobs continue to become a victim to automation, and now a new hamburger-flipping robot could put another dent in the fast food industry … which according to this story could be a good thing because apparently it would be safer than employers telling their workers “to put condiments on their burns” instead of seeking actual medical attention.

I also learned about Toys ‘R Us’s recent bankruptcy that came after a leveraged buyout back in 2005 and I don’t understand how it can even be legal for a corporate entity to use the thing that it’s buying as part of a loan. It’s not the same as your mortgage because your house isn’t expected to pay down the mortgage that you took out on it!

I don’t deny that I’m still lucky to make more than the majority in this country, however it’s always frustrating to see yourself moving backwards rather than forward. Watching a place like Disney World consistently raise their prices by 10% every year as my own family grows but my salary doesn’t keep up feels like I’m being rapidly priced out of their market. I know that a lot of Disney fans who aren’t within driving distance already feel that way.

It’s hard not to be cynical and feel like corporate greed is ruining America, particularly when it’s so easy for the people at the top to get more money when others of us struggle to make much smaller gains that would be vastly more meaningful.

Dining with Kids

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Last night was the first night in a couple of months that we’ve taken the entire family out to dinner … namely because the last time we tried, it was absolutely terrible!

The three of them have just been at a bad age overall because Christopher isn’t as occupied by his iPad as he’s been in the past, and David & Matthew are starting to become wild in their own right. As much as we really enjoy eating out, it’s just not worth the hassle when you know that 90 minutes later you’re going to walk away cranky after paying so much for food you only got to half eat because you spent more time dealing with kids that didn’t want to be there than actually enjoying the atmosphere…

😛

So last night wasn’t great, but it certainly was an improvement from last time. Still, there were a few points of note that I wanted to write about…

  • Why is it that servers act like they’ve never seated a table with kids before??? When you see me quickly whisking silverware and plates and anything away from the kids the moment you set them down within their reach, maybe don’t put anything else within their curious grasp?! Luckily we had a table that sat six with only four seats occupied, so there were some spots where we could “stage” everything, but even when they bring out drinks, it always shocks me when they put them right in the middle of the table when two seconds later that’s precisely what the kids go for…
  • Time seems to pass slower when you’ve got kids teetering on the edge of cranky. I don’t know if it was because we were one of the last tables of the night, but I swear we had one of the slowest servers in existence – frustrating when you’re waiting on those french fries to occupy the kids, or the check so that you can just get the heck out of there! It’s made me start to wonder if servers treat families like ours like the hot potato because we eat slower and they anticipate a below-average tip … although the second part is a misnomer because I actually try to tip more when my kids leave food on the floor that they have to clean up!
  • Don’t make me beg for water. This one has nothing to do with the kids, but one of my primary measures how I rate food service is how well they do at keeping my water glass full. At a good restaurant, I shouldn’t even have to ask for refills, whereas at a bad one I’m lucky to get a single refill all night … which sucks on nights like this when I purposely order something spicy… 🙁
  • Dessert is ALWAYS to go! As much as we would’ve liked to enjoy a warm dessert there at the restaurant, the kids had lasted about as long as we could possibly expect, and in fact Christopher had fallen asleep in the car before we pulled out of the parking lot. Sometimes you have to know when to cut your losses and call it a day!

All in all it was nice to somewhat get a meal actually served to us at a table as opposed to out of a window, and it’s encouraging to see that maybe the kids are getting to the point where they’ll let us score a bite to eat without the prerequisite that two-thirds of them have to be asleep and the third has to be in a really good mood!