movie thoughts … Pixels

pixels_movieOh man – was this thing horrible.

I mean, seriously – how did Adam Sandler basically become the Dane Cook of comedy movie producers where he used to be funny, yet somehow now literally every single thing that the man touches … including apparently my childhood love of video games … just turns to complete and total garbage?!

So where do I start?

“Arcader” – not a term that anyone who’s ever actually cared about video games has ever used. Sounded incrementally more utterly stupid with every utterance … why they didn’t just go with “gamer” makes this a hideous first strike in my book.

The opening plot for this movie with the world championships and the time capsule felt like what the guys who had been tasked to write a movie script about Battleship first came up with before they scrapped it and said, “Come on – we can do better than this…”

The “pixelation” … which apparently became a coined term within hours of the alien invasion that caused it … made about as much sense as Battleship pegs falling out of the sky. It would make sense that the aliens would be all pixelated when they’re destroyed, but why would our stuff do the same???

Kevin James can’t be President … at least not of the United States. Maybe of the PTA or the neighborhood homeowner’s association, but not the whole United States.

The nod to Pac-Man creator Toru Iwatani was neat, but it would’ve been cooler if they actually would’ve had him play himself in the movie! Instead he only made a non-speaking cameo while another actor played him during his brief battle with his creation.

Also, the “cheat codes” plot device doesn’t really make sense when not only are the heroes driving cars instead of joysticks, but the cheat codes would’ve been for Pac-Man, not the freaking ghosts!!!

Come to think of it – how do the aliens even know all of the rules of these games??? They were sent a VHS tape of the competition, not the source code to all of the arcade games!

…anyways…

Lady Lisa becomes unpixelated for inexplicable reasons, save for that she’s hot and Gad’s character wants her.

Sandler worked way too hard to kill Donkey Kong because all he had to do was climb the last ladder. You don’t kill Donkey Kong by throwing the hammer at him. That’s not how Donkey Kong works.

In the finale, our pseudo-president talks about “negotiating a truce” with the aliens, which we never saw because Sandler just beat Donkey Kong and disappeared. Nonetheless, everyone else apparently wins, too, as every possible conflict gets nicely tied up into a bow in roughly 30 seconds before the credits roll. Even Toru Iwatani’s stunt double sees his hand grow back – seriously, all that’s missing is the group high-five…

Also, apparently after the movie is over, I guess that Josh Gad fucks Q*bert or something.

Better Video Game Movies From the Last Few Years to Watch Instead of Pixels:

  • Wreck-It Ralph
  • Tron: Legacy
  • Scott Pilgrim vs the World (I didn’t even like this movie, but at least the video game effects were legit)

new website – Scott’s Thoughts!

You know what they say – any day that you launch a new website is a good day… 😉

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This is one that I actually started kicking ideas around for earlier this year, but didn’t really have the time/content/procrastination for another project at the time to drive me there. I had a very brief mockup of what you see above running on a test site, but apparently today was the day that I actually mustered up the effort to both write the first post about the recent presidential debate as well as work out the kinks for the site design itself.

…although admittedly it wasn’t necessarily in that order! 😛

Anyways, the intent of this site – whether I managed to do it justice with the first post or not – is to give me a place to write in more depth about editorial-type topics that would normally otherwise be ranty-type posts on my regular blog. Kind of along the lines of some of the better quality posts you might find on a Medium or something of that nature, I was originally thinking about trying to host them there, but the whole huge audience/no pay thing is a problem for me and doing it myself gives me the control that I like to maintain with publishing my writing online nonetheless.

The plan isn’t really to post super-frequently – maybe one article a month, at best – but I really don’t want to force it just for the sake of keeping a writing schedule. Instead I want Scott’s Thoughts to be a place where I can elaborate on topics in a manner that feels a bit more professional so that there’s really a focus on the content itself rather than tying in my humor and other writing that might be seen on my blog as more of a distraction.

You’ll also see that I ended up pulling in a small handful of really old, but somewhat related articles that I wrote in this same vein more than a decade ago. Back when Comedic-Genius.com was my primary writing site, I had a bunch of different columns that I was writing – one of which was an editorial piece called Against the Grain… In truth there were upwards of 50 columns in the series before I ended it, but upon further review there simply weren’t nearly as many worth preserving from ten years later as I would’ve thought!

Hopefully the new series will fare a bit better, though I would argue that maybe that’s just another factor of getting older that one simply needs to get used to… 😉

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In geek news, this site is also my official foray into WordPress multisite-ing!

My testing earlier this summer was pretty unsuccessful, but before I let myself delete the install altogether, I tried one last test creating a new multisite environment with this blog and the new editorial subdomain, and it actually worked so I just decided to keep it. 😀

My multisite network currently consists of 4 sites total – the two previously mentioned and then two more test sites for more ideas that I haven’t gotten off the ground yet. For simplicity’s sake, I decided to only worry about sites that are actually subdomains of scottsevener.com right now, so humor and mouse and Just Laugh will all stay where they are … I’ve heard horror stories about trying to un-co-mingle sites once you go multisite, so no sense in adding new stress there!

Still lots to learn – the only real big dumb thing I’ve come across so far is the difference between Network Activating Plugins vs Network Enabling Themes because apparently doing the first forces activation of plugins network-wide (which is a neat feature for the ones I use everywhere) but the second simply makes themes available to activate on a given site … terms are just a little too close for my comfort, really.

I’m curious to see how performance ranks in comparison to the individual installs, but for now at least I was able to drop my install count down to under 20!!! 😯

Why does Verizon FiOS value potential new customers over its existing ones?

I’m really frustrated with Verizon right now, which is tough because I’m absolutely a huge fan of my FiOS Internet service.

We’ve been customers since 2012 and without a doubt they provide the best Internet service available in the Tampa Bay area. I’ve done the research, I’ve priced out the competition, but between their pricing and the symmetrical download & upload speeds that are pretty much unheard of elsewhere, Verizon FiOS is the best.

So why have I spent the last couple of weeks feeling like an inferior customer over one that they could have sometime in the future???

I’ve talked a lot about upgrading my Internet speed lately – right now I’m at 75 Mbps, but I’ve really been eyeing their 150 Mbps package … it’s just that until recently, it was a bit out of my reach at an extra $50/month. So needless to say, I was really excited when I noticed one day when browsing my upgrade options and saw that they had a new promotion where I could not only go from 75 to 150 Mbps for only an extra $20/month, but they’d also throw in the $200 router upgrade for free!!!

It sounds too good to be true, and apparently it was because a couple of weeks ago when I was finally ready to pull the trigger, the 150 Mbps tier was mysteriously nowhere to be found…

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My first instinct was understanding enough – there must just be something wrong with Verizon’s website, so I got on the phone and called to place the order manually instead, but the rep who answered my call saw the same thing and was pretty clueless as to why there was a hole in my tiers where the missing 150 Mbps option used to be! It was frustrating to hear her shrug it off, not even giving me an option to escalate the issue for someone else to take another look.

It just wasn’t there, and she was ready to move on to her next call, but that’s not even where the story takes a dark turn.

So I hung up and instead tried reaching out via Twitter, where I got a slightly different, but equally misleading explanation…

This time they told me it was a “technical limitation” and that the tier must simply be “filled up,” so it was no longer available. Here I started to call bullshit because things really weren’t adding up … namely, they had the capacity to upgrade me to 4x or 6.5x my 75 Mbps speed, but not to only 2x my speed! 

And granted, I’m not a fiber technician, but I know a little about how math works – I even gave them the benefit of the doubt here and asked if it was really a technical limitation or if Verizon was artificially limiting availability of certain tiers to encourage the higher sales, but from there the tech just doubled down on that speed is popular, so it fills up and isn’t available anymore.

That didn’t make any sense, but in between waiting for responses I did a little more research and found what I thought was the missing key that would finally make somebody say, “Crap – that’s not right! We need to look into that!!!”

Opening up a separate browser and going to getfios.com, I was able to bring up a brand new order – even at this same address – for a new bundle including 150 Mbps Internet service…

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Huh???

So clearly there must be something wrong with their ordering system if a new order will offer me that tier, but when logged into my Verizon account it was nowhere to be found!

Well, after waiting a couple of days for a response from the social media team that never came, I decided to send an email to customer service to see what answer they’d be able to come up with for my issue. And at first it seemed promising because I was told that they needed to research it more before they could respond, but eventually they sent me this…

Thank you for choosing Verizon. I have received your email dated 10/29/2015 regarding that  want to know why a new customer would be able to get Fios Internet speeds of 100 and/or 150 Mbps while existing customers can not. I apologize for any frustration or inconvenience this has caused. My name is Karen, and I will be happy to assist you. I will also review the account to make sure you are getting the best value.

Thank ou [sic] for your interest in our products and service.

We apologize for the delay in our response and regret any inconvenience to you.

Unfortunately the connection speeds of 100 and 150 Mbps are not availble [sic] to you.

The decision to only offer the connection speeds of 100 and 150 Mbps was made at corporate management level. Unfortunately it has not been advised to us of why the decision was made to only offer the 100/150 Mbps to new customers and not to existing customers other than that there is technical limitation of upgrading the equipment for existing customers who already have Fios working at their location.

I’m very sorry for the inconvenience and frustration this will cause you and your family.

This after Verizon “added more versatility to its industry-leading service” by apparently adding a 100 Mbps tier in between 75 and 150 Mbps, according to this swell press release boasting about their latest promotions in my specific market a month before I was unable to order them myself!

According to this release, “Verizon is the only communications provider to offer a symmetrical speed tier of 100/100 Mbps, or any Internet services offering the same fast download and upload speeds, in the Florida market” … but only if you’re a brand new customer for them because if you’ve already got an account, your business isn’t worth the effort.

Seriously, how insulting is that?!

Here I am, a long-standing customer and very much a fan of the service, and I want to give Verizon more money, and if I had submitted my order two weeks earlier before this asinine decision was made, I could’ve! But now my extra $20/month isn’t good enough for Verizon. They’d be happy to sell me 300 Mbps service at an additional $110/month, but sorry, the next logical upgrade that makes sense for my account isn’t available because they’ve arbitrarily dog-eared that speed for new customers only.

What sense does that make? My next door neighbor could call and get 150 Mbps service installed tomorrow, or hell, my wife could call and apparently get it installed at our same address … as long as she sets up a new account because this account – the one that’s 3 years old and has earned Verizon upwards of $7,000 over the life of our service – isn’t eligible for an upgrade.

Sorry / not sorry.

You wouldn’t do that with HBO or Cinemax – “I’m sorry, I know that you’ve had an account for 3 years, but we’ve reserved those premium movie channels to entice potential sales from our new customers only. We regret any inconvenience that this causes you…”

Traditionally it’s a poor business practice when one of your loyal customers wants to give you more money and you arbitrarily refuse to take it, but apparently a fiber customer in the hand isn’t worth two in the bush when you’re Verizon.

But it’s not too hard to fix this! We schedule an appointment, you send out the technician who makes my dog bark for hours on end while he tinkers around outside, he installs a new ONT on the side of my house and gives me my sweet, new Quantum router, I start paying you an extra $20/month for the service I’ve quite literally been salivating for all summer long, and in the end we all win!

You get some extra money without having to sell me on the upgrade I already want and I get an even faster Internet speed to rub in the faces of everyone I know who isn’t lucky enough to live in a FiOS market … which admittedly is almost everybody I know.

Verizon, I love FiOS and I don’t want to fight with you. I just think it’s bullshit that you’re offering better deals to the new customers you don’t even have yet than you’ll give me who’s been here this whole time. I’ve come to accept that your best promotional pricing is for new customers and my bill jumped up a ways after my contract renewed, but this is service – to tell me that I can have one Internet speed but not another is just cruel. 

We can get through this, you and me, but honey, right now you’re being kind of an asshole. Please call me when you’re ready to grow up.

Bamboo Closure (with Pics!)

I wrote about my ongoing battles with bamboo in this week’s humor column, but for a bit of added closure I wanted to share some photos that I took throughout the process. You know what they say, a picture’s worth a thousand stalks of bamboo… 😛

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All in all I think I spent between 6 -8 hours across about 4 days gutting this crap out of my backyard – you can see in the first picture how it was so bad when I started that you literally couldn’t get around the corner unless you were a koala or perhaps one of the tiny lizards that we see scurrying about here in Florida!

Apparently whenever you plant bamboo, you’re supposed to put in some sort of barrier to make sure that it stays within the area that you want it … and even then I guess a lot of the time it just manages to poke right on through anyways. 

If I had a backyard that was bigger than, oh say, a sidewalk, it’s actually a pretty neat plant and would be neat to see grow into a natural privacy wall over the course of a couple of years, but when you can literally stand in between my pool cage and the fence and touch both of them at the same time, it’s just too small for such an invasive, wild plant to grow.

Also, would you believe that months earlier I first actually tried my hand at cutting this stuff down with a regular hand saw?!?!?!

This stuff is crazy, and the next time I see it coming up underneath my side of the fence, I’m poisoning the entire thing. Sorry, neighbor, but know what in the hell you’re getting into before you plant such an insane plant/tree/shrub/grass right next to your neighbor’s fence… 🙁

Parenting Inspiration, Revisited and Evolved

“There are days where it’s tough, and there are days where it’s incredible … and you’re like, how could I have ever thought that this wouldn’t be amazing?” – Mike Krahulik, on fatherhood

I found myself re-watching this video quite late last night, somewhat ironically because no more than two hours later I was back up begging Christopher to go back to sleep with little hope in sight!

Truth be told, watching this episode of Penny Arcade: The Series back when it first came out (circa 2010) played a pretty big role in helping me to come to terms with the idea of parenting and actually becoming a father. I mean, it’s always been something that I knew I wanted to happen – off in the distance – but it was still equally terrifying to sit down with my wife and seriously talk about making it happen … and this was even before all of the infertility stuff really came to light! 😯

Now having about a year and a half under my belt as I re-watched this tome of parenting inspiration, it was kind of rewarding to see their words click with me on an entirely new level, both quite specifically through Mike’s quote above as well as this great quote of perspective from Jerry…

“The idea that parenting is built up of these major moments when they’re all completely suspended in hundreds and thousands of individual experiences that have tremendous value.” – Jerry Holkins, on parenting

As we find ourselves inching closer to the infamous terrible twos, we’ve definitely been experiencing more outbursts and tantrums and generic crying recently than the previous few months have bestowed upon us, and some of them in the last week in particular have been very trying,  to say the least. I told Sara just today that it often feels like my world is a light switch, and one minute it’s awesome and then the next minute it’s suddenly shit again, and throughout the course of the last couple of days it’s like somebody’s just been flipping that thing on and off like a son of a bitch.

But I try to remember the other moments – the ones that admittedly are just as frequent, yet tend to get easily washed out by the chaotic ones – where Christopher is making me laugh out loud as we’re walking around Walmart at midnight to get him milk, or when he’s cuddled up on my lap watching Sesame Street videos on YouTube, or when he brings one of his books over for me to read to him.

It can be so tough to conjure them up in the moment because sometimes those toddler tantrums can just be brutal to a grown man’s psyche, and yet afterwards once the dust has had a chance to settle and we’ve drifted back down to earth, it’s those silly moments … those giggly moments … those moments packed with so much tenderness it just about makes you sick – those are the things that make you take a time out to remind yourself, “Yeah, this IS pretty amazing.”

Digging deeper into server issues…

I think I’m making progress, albeit in a number of avenues that I wasn’t necessarily expecting!

One thing standing out that is seeming to be more of a problem than I would’ve thought is that simply put – I’ve got a lot of WordPress installs on this server!!! Sorting through them all, I came up with something like 20 installs in total, which is amusing because I’ve only got like 10 domains currently registered … apparently I’ve built up a healthy list of test installs in addition to some really old ones that I never post to and thus don’t really think about.

Now I wouldn’t have thought this to be much of an issue until I was able to start digging into specific processes running slow along with their associated URLs and database queries, and it turns out that WordPress’s own cron function has been at least part of the source of my problems, for a couple of different reasons:

A) Across those 20 installs, a number of them weren’t up to date – some of them being so old that I had to update them manually (gasp!), and more prominently some outdated plugins that either also needed to be brought current or in some cases removed altogether for instances where I’m not even using them anymore (i.e. I used to heavily use a backup to Dropbox plugin, but I’ve since come to rely more on system-wide backups and I don’t even have Dropbox installed on my laptop today).

B) Also, I still need to learn more about how WP-Cron actually functions, but I think there may have been some cases where many sites were trying to all run at the same time, which is just a general recipe for disaster! From what I’ve read so far, it sounds like WP-Cron actually triggers based on page views … which confuses me how my test sites were even triggering … but one option here might be to disable WP-Cron and instead tie them into real cron jobs at the OS level so that I can scatter them throughout each hour instead of triggering arbitrarily.

I’m not entirely sold on just yet, but realizing that I have so many separate installs definitely reinforces my curiosity around WordPress multi-site, which I was playing around with earlier this summer and actually abandoned when I decided not to redesign some of my sites. But from a resource management perspective it still might make sense, even if I just try to pull some of the like-minded sites into one install, or possibly even a bunch of the test sites, just to help get the numbers down!

All in all it’s a work in progress, but so far my last high load notification was at 5:50 pm last night and I updated a bunch of my installs in the hours since, so hopefully I’m starting to work through the issues and load is at least going down a bit! Mind you, it doesn’t help that I don’t really know what’s a reasonable daily page view volume that my current server should be able to handle … and granted, now that I’ve started playing around with routing some of my traffic through Cloudflare, I’m sadly reminded about how much junk traffic a server gets that never even becomes legitimate pages served (like brute force attacks, scanning, etc…).

One other tool that I’ve found that’s been helpful specifically in pinpointing the cron issues has been New Relic, which is actually a probe that I had to install under PHP on the server itself but then in turn monitors all sorts of neat stats about processing times and whatnot. I’m just using the free Lite version they offer now and it’s already been enlightening – definitely worth checking out!

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From the latest Plex newsletter…

I thought this was pretty cool the way this was handled!

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I wish I could do the same to get my hands on the @justlaugh handle – it’s currently owned by either a teenage girl from Chile or a spammer posing as one. Either way, they haven’t posted in 3 years. I tried reaching out via the Facebook profile that’s liked to Twitter, but never got a response. Oh well.

A Look at Web Page Performance…

I’ve been experimenting around with performance tuning on my web server the last couple of days to try and work out some bizarre, high usage issues when (unfortunately) in reality none of my sites really garner that much traffic to warrant the spikes that I’ve been seeing.

Some of it is common sense stuff like troubleshooting slow-performing WordPress plugins – for example, apparently W3 Total Cache was dragging down my response times even though it wasn’t active at the time, which lead me to reinstalling and then actually setting it up correctly because I think I disabled it a few months ago out of sheer frustration.

I also made some tweaks to my Apache/PHP build, thus resulting in my having to rebuild no less than a dozen times last night each time I’d find a new option that I could only enable by rebuilding! So if for some reason you found one of my sites down last night, that would be the reason why… 😛

In the midst of all of this, I’ve also been trying a number of different web page speed tests to try and gauge my progress through the whole mess – Google PageSpeed Insights is usually my go-to for general tuning, but I also like WebPageTest.org because it gives me waterfall graphs of every single element that needs to be loaded, and I also recently discovered GTmetrix, which is cool because it will run several tests at once and gives you the option to see results for multiple sites side-by-side … something I normally have to do in separate windows.

Anywho, one of the views that I found interesting from WebPageTest.org is where they breakdown the actual requests and bytes coming from each individual domain because obviously the lower # for either of those stats, the faster your page will load. Below is what Just Laugh’s homepage looks like…

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What’s interesting here is that really only a select few of these domains are related to actual content – primarily justlaugh.com and then wp.com because our images use WordPress.com’s CDN via the Jetpack plugin.

All of the Facebook hits are for the single Like box in the footer, and the same with Twitter.

We also have a single ad widget for Amazon, along with a couple of Google Adsense units, and then we use both Google Analytics and WordPress Jetpack for analytics.

So really, totals breakdown something like this…

  • Content – 75 requests for 509k
  • Social Media – 51 requests for 667k
  • Advertising – 51 requests for 634k
  • Analytics – 10 requests for 18k
  • GRAND TOTAL – 187 requests for 1,828k

Now don’t get me wrong – there’s certainly value that comes from each of those other three sources otherwise I wouldn’t use them in the first place, but it still says something interesting about web content in our times when social media & advertising tie-ins together make up more than double the actual real content that a website has to offer to drive those other things in the first place! And before you say that it’s really kind of my fault that the breakdown is like this because I designed the site, I would add that really, Just Laugh is extraordinarily conservative with regards to advertising compared to other media sites that still use pop-ups and wraparounds and those god-awful Taboola ads that currently infect 80% of the web today.

Of course, the real exercise here is simply how to improve on these numbers, which is tough because most of these requests are still measured in milliseconds and many are done in parallel. The whole page currently takes right around 10 seconds to render, which in some ways seems terrible but in comparison with sites like CNN and The Onion it’s actually about right in the middle.

Could I shave off a couple of seconds by eliminating the Facebook and Twitter widgets, or possibly even the Amazon widget???

Possibly, but would the savings really be worthwhile in the bigger picture when gaining Facebook and Twitter followers is also a worthwhile goal???

Clearly I have no idea, but it’s always fun to have real, actual data to wade through to consider things like that!

On the other hand, at least I can say for a fact that my caching is now working correctly because for repeat views, all of those 3rd party requests are pretty much the only things still getting reloaded… 😀

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Smart Explanations of Complicated Matters

A big reason why I’ve always been a fan of Hank and John Green isn’t merely for the entertainment factor, but even more so because they’re both great at giving thoughtful explanations of the things that they talk about – particularly when it comes to complicated subject matters that are often prone to misinformation and viral rage.

Hank’s latest video about Benghazi brought this back to the forefront for me because I’ll admit that I didn’t really know that much about Benghazi, either! I knew that there was some sort of riot in Libya and extremists stormed the U.S. embassy there … presumably kind of like what happened with the Iran hostage crisis back in 1979…

…and admittedly I didn’t really even know much about that until I watched the movie Argo and was curious enough to research a little online afterwards to see how much of it was true! Spoiler: There were some significant inaccuracies

Anyways, especially with complex and passionate issues such as what happened on Sept. 11, 2012 in Benghazi, Libya, it’s important to look at the facts of both sides – because politics stripped aside, both sides do have facts – and I think in this video in particular, Hank does a really good job of doing that.

I also think with regards to Benghazi, it’s a frank reminder for folks in the USA in particular to keep in mind that Benghazi, Libya is actually a city about 600,000 people that’s lost thousands of people amid the country’s ongoing civil war and not only the much more brief span of time when four Americans overseas lost their lives in a terrorist attack on 9/11/12…

If you enjoyed this video, here are a few others informative ones from Hank & John that I thought were really well done if you’re interested in a rational dissemination of facts and whatnot…