Movies I Won’t Pay to See This Summer… (2014 Edition)

You know, maybe it’s not so bad that I won’t be going to the movies as much this summer with new baby in the house and babysitters admittedly scarce! Normally when I do these, I end up with a decent list of movies that I want to see … there was a time that the wife and I were going to the movies a lot, but this definitely won’t be one of those years and although lord knows I’ll probably end up catching every last one when they come on HBO later on this year, there’s no way I’m paying $22.50 + concessions to see any of these “blockbusters”…

22 Jump Street (6/13) – I literally face-palmed when I heard that this was going to be the name of the sequel to 21 Jump Street … which wasn’t that great to begin with. What was the last good movie that Jonah Hill was in, anyways???

How to Train Your Dragon 2 (6/13) – Don’t get me wrong, I loved the first movie. I just can’t possibly imagine how it would be right for a sequel other than by being a cash cow, which as a storyteller is a terrible excuse. Who knows, maybe it’ll be like Toy Story 2 and still carry its weight, but I doubt it.

Transformers: Age of Extinction (6/27) – I think it says a lot about the viability of a series when you can’t/won’t bring the original actors back for sequels anymore. I mean, Shia isn’t the greatest actor and he has been kind of going publicly crazy lately, but still, Transformers has sort of always been his franchise and it feels weird replacing him with Marky Mark, of all people.

Tammy (7/4) – I miss Sookie. Why does every role Melissa McCarthy takes these days put her in the hardened, white trash, punching bag comic relief character these days???

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (7/11) – I kind of can’t wait until the apes finally do takeover because then they’ll have to stop making these things, right? Right???

Sex Tape (7/18) – Bad Teacher wasn’t nearly good enough for a sequel. Or a half sequel. Or whatever the hell this is.

Guardians of the Galaxy (8/1) – I know a lot of people are really excited about this, but frankly it just looks stupid to me. I don’t get the raccoon and I haven’t liked Chris Pratt since I first saw him on Parks & Recreation. Plus, I can’t tell if this is supposed to be silly space heroes or serious space heroes, so maybe that would help. 🙄

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (8/8) – I guess crapping all over one childhood memory with Transformers wasn’t enough for Michael Bay … in fact, at this point I picture him not stopping until he ruins all childhood movies – Voltron, Care Bears, Nintendo – you name it, he’ll transform it into tears. Not that the original live action movies were shining pillars of quality or anything, but come on…

So the ones that I actually wouldn’t mind paying to see? Well, it’s a much shorter list, and apparently they’re all already out!

Oh well – maybe next year, Hollywood. 😥

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