Where’d Scott go?

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Man, talk about a busy summer! What I wouldn’t give right now to just be able to sit on a secluded beach for about a week with a margarita in one hand and the new Harry Potter book in the other… No deadlines, no stress, no “Am I going to get the job or not?”s – just peace and quiet as I follow a young wizard through a predictable, yet always intriguing set of adventures, the only background noise for miles being the sound of the ocean waves crashing up against the shore. That would be very nice, indeed!

But it ain’t gonna happen any time soon, and especially not this week! I finished up a group of almost ten columns last week for the paper, highlighting all of the goodies to be found at Alpenfest this week, and now I’ve got three more to write before Thursday already; this week also marks the 50th issue of Just Laugh, so of course a special presentation is being put together for all of that; and on top of it all, I’m still backed up in trying to finish about five increasingly old projects that I wanted to take care of during my “free month” of June. I’ve only got one or two more paragraphs to write for the one that I wanted to finish tonight, but alas I’m here writing this instead…

So what’s been happening lately that’s actually fun? Hmmm – last night Lori helped me mat a couple of pictures that I’ve been meaning to get to for a while now, which was both fun and a learning experience at the same time. We ended up going through almost both of the full sheets that I had bought, due to slipping and other stupid mistakes, but you’ve gotta learn somehow, right? It’s really too bad that we don’t have a good store that sells the stuff closer than 150 miles away because I’ve got more that could be done and we were getting pretty good at it, but save some for tomorrow, eh?! I also cleaned out a fish tank tonight…because apparently its previous state was considered a form of animal cruelty…but you can actually see inside now and I think the fish are at least somewhat grateful! Other than that, it’s pretty much just been me sitting in front of a keyboard, pounding out literary genius from dusk until dawn – I live a crazy and exciting life, I’ll tell ya!

And what does this life have in store for our hero next week? Adventure? Romance? Maybe even a new job, even though it’s almost certain that somebody else already got it instead? Stay tuned for all of the latest details – same BatTime, same BatJournal…

I’m scared…somebody hold me…

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People – it’s FICTION – not real – made up – didn’t really happen, so what’s the problem?

Harry Potter Fan’s Magic Attempt Sets House Ablaze

MADRID (Reuters) – A woman set her Madrid home on fire as she cooked up a potion in an attempt to imitate the fictional wizard Harry Potter, emergency services said.

The 21-year-old was rescued Wednesday by firemen and treated for minor injuries, but half her home was destroyed.

The ambulance service said she had told them she was trying to emulate the boy magician, hero of the books by J K Rowling that have been a sensation among adults and children alike.

For want of more magical ingredients, the woman cooked up a potion of water, oil, alcohol and toothpaste, local media reported. It was unclear what spell she was trying to weave.

It’s people like this that give us freakshows and weirdos a bad name…

new job?

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Ooh! Ooh! A job listing for the Tampa Tribune, and with a position that I could actually handle, no less! Resume goes out first thing in the morning. (…anyone have experience with regular mail vs. applying online?)

Anywho, wish me luck, cross your fingers, and hands off ’cause I called it first! That means you, Michael…

Big Pink – it’s the only gum with the breath-freshening power of ham…

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…and it pinkens your teeth while you chew!

Tonight Brandi and I went for about a three or four mile walk…and it rained. Ok, well it started off just barely sprinkling and I figured that it was nothing, but at nearly the halfway mark, it really started coming down. Mind you, it wasn’t too bad after all because it was still something like seventy-five degrees out (at 1:30 in the morning!), so maybe it was refreshing – I’m still not quite sure yet.

I also started noticing some of the little details that you typically don’t pick-up on during a normal, busy day. It’s kind of odd because Gaylord’s still a fairly small town, with only like ten or fifteen thousand people, and I used to absolutely loathe the place – blah blah, there’s nothing to do, etc, etc.. – but between walking around recently and all of the local writing I’ve been doing for the paper, I’m actually seeing that this place really isn’t so bad. The little things like all of the landscaped homes and businesses, or even just the sidewalks along the residential streets – and the fact that I can walk my dog pretty much anywhere in the city at 2:00 AM without having to worry about running into trouble – it figures that once I finally get a plan to leave the area that is financially sound and actually has the potential to happen, then I begin to enjoy living here!

Oh well, I suppose as long as I can find somewhere down south where I can walk my dog without getting mugged, it’ll all work out for the best, even if it does mean making laps around the parking lot of a gated community…

Young man, you have the bravery of a hero, and breath as fresh as a summer ham!
— Henry Kissinger’s head

The Doctor of Love passes on…

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Love Crooner Barry White Dies in L.A. at 58

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Soul singer Barry White, whose rich bass crooning stirred romance in the hearts of a generation of fans, died on Friday at the age of 58, his manager Ned Shankman said.

Shankman told reporters White, a two-time Grammy winner, died at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles where he had been battling kidney failure brought on by high blood pressure. He suffered a stroke May.<<FULL STORY>>

It looks like I’ll have to find somebody else to administer my wedding. Has there ever been anybody as cool as this man? I don’t think so.

You will be missed, Barry – you dog, you!

And now, the news…

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Just a few of the more interesting articles I’ve come across over the past few days. Silly reporters…

Great White Shark Gatecrashes Tuna Dinner Party

SYDNEY (Reuters) – A Great White Shark has gatecrashed a tuna research project in Australia, mysteriously appearing inside a fishing pen containing around 100 tuna.

The 13-foot shark, weighing around 1,500 pounds, is thought to have either bitten its way into the tuna pond or leapt a 7.5 feet electrified fence while chasing a seal last Thursday.<<FULL STORY>>

“A head count of the tuna showed two had disappeared.” Must’ve sucked to be the guy chosen to make that count…I knew there was a perfectly good reason for not accepting that oceanography internship…

Study: Sugary Drinks Help Children Get Fat

WASHINGTON (Reuters) – The proof’s in the calories: those sweet sodas, bottled teas and fruit drinks can make your children fat, U.S. researchers said on Friday.

Children who drank more than 12 ounces of sweetened drinks a day gained significantly more weight over two months than children who drank less than 6 ounces a day, the team of nutritionists at Cornell University in New York found.

The soft drink industry has long argued that a lack of exercise and not the availability of drinks is responsible for the rise of obesity in the United States. <<FULL STORY>>

I want to be a scientist when I grow up. News Flash: eating stuff makes you get bigger, animals don’t like getting poked with sticks, and women still don’t find my lab coat sexy…

UK Lesbian to Give Birth to Online ‘DIY’ Baby

LONDON (Reuters) – A lesbian is to give birth to one of the first babies conceived in Britain using sperm provided by an Internet donor service, British newspapers reported Saturday.

The baby of Jaime Saphier, 26, is due in January. She and her partner Sarah Watkinson, 31, who live in the northwest city of Liverpool paid the Web site www. mannotincluded.com 1,305 pounds ($2,156) to match them with a sperm donor and provide a full medical screening of the donor.<<FULL STORY>>

Why do I somehow see ‘supply and demand’ just beating the tar out of this idea? Sure, it sounds like a great idea and maybe it would even help to offset some of our porn costs, but will the lesbians be able to keep up with our ever-increasing sperm supply? Will just anybody be able to do this or will it be one of these broadband-only services? Also, how much will any necessary adapters cost upfront, or will some sort of rental program be available?

Eminem Pulls a Jacko

Eminem’s latest celeb target: Michael Jackson.

The people-displeasin’ rapper, who has provoked Mariah Carey, dissed Christina Aguilera and denied “Weird Al” Yankovic, spoofed Jacko Tuesday in Scotland, dangling a fake baby from a hotel window.

…

As for Yankovic, the musical funnyman expressed disappointment that Eminem blocked him from filming a music video for his latest opus, “Couch Potato,” a reworked version of the 8 Mile hit, “Lose Yourself.”

Eminem’s rep said, at the time, that the rapper didn’t mind “Weird Al” messing with the song’s lyrics, but that he wanted to preserve its image.<<FULL STORY>>

I couldn’t care less about the whole Michael Jackson thing, but preserving Eminem’s image?! He’s fucking Eminem – what’s left to preserve? As far as I’m concerned, that’s like Jeffrey Dahmer suing for damages because he’s really just an artistic chef at heart…give me a break! Puffy (Sean Combs, P. Diddy, Schwang Doodle, or whatever…) let him do it, so what’s the problem?

Just think – if the news wasn’t so exciting, I might actually be writing right now…

I’m feeling extremely old…

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Well, the concert last night was…very, very, very loud…and that’s about all I can say without being harsh! I drove Lori and one of her friends down to Grand Rapids for the day to see a band that she had been dying to see, and although it was probably the worst sound that I’ve ever heard come out of a PA system ever, including that one year at the high school talent show, I’m pretty sure that she had a good time, so I guess taking one for the team is an ok option at this point. I actually even considered going out to the car and bringing back a book to read because pondering the latest fashion trends got boring after a while – combat boots, knee socks, and a schoolgirl skirt, topped off with fishnet everything and pink hair – I guess that’s what happens when the kiddies these days are allowed to dress themselves! There was also one girl that was dressed exactly like a waitress, but apparently she wasn’t one, which was both odd and slightly obnoxious because it meant that much more time trying to find someone that actually would like to bring me another beer. Overall, it was a very loud, blood-curdling experience, but then again, I do remember some people saying the same thing when I went to see a little band called Aerosmith for the first time, so I suppose that each generation should be allowed its Partridge Family!

On the upside, it did give me a chance to catch up with Courtney for a few hours, which was something that I really needed, even though I didn’t quite realize it at the time. She’s got this funny way of bringing life back into perspective for me and helping me to know which things I should actually be sweating about and which ones are just there to keep the backdrop colorful. It’s good to have some aspects of your life that will always remain constant, despite the ever-growing whirlwinds that lead us from day to day without so much time to stop and think, let alone be reminiscent every now and then. Even though it becomes increasingly difficult to keep the lines open as the years fly by, I like to think that in the end there will still be somebody there that can put my life back into perspective for me one last time, and you just don’t meet people like that every day so it certainly is important to hold onto the ones you’ve got.

Precious and few are the moments we spend together, so smoke ’em if you’ve got ’em…