Kids will be kids…

December 26, 2002 3:41am
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Boys Eat Cat That Stole Christmas Dinner

(December 24, 2002 via Reuters / Yahoo! News)

NAIROBI (Reuters) – Three Kenyan schoolboys were arrested for eating a cat they suspected of stealing chickens set aside for their Christmas feast, newspapers reported on Tuesday.

The three boys aged 12-14 killed, skinned and roasted the cat for lunch last Thursday, the state-owned Kenya News Agency (KNA) reported. They were arrested after complaints from residents in Mororo village in eastern Kenya.
Merry Christmas! 🙂

The Tribe Has Spoken…

December 21, 2002 2:07am
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Well, the votes have been tallied, or that’s what I’m told, and I’m officially the 15th person to be voted out of the tribe in Humor Columnist Survivor. It kinda sucks because it was all because of a silly little technicality that was pointed out concerning the last immunity challenge, but then again I didn’t honestly think that I was going to make it this far in the first place, so I suppose that sixth place (out of 19) isn’t too shabby for a small-town boy from Michigan! I was up against some pretty amazing writers, and I also beat the pants off of the not-so-amazing ones – altogether it was a good time and I’m glad that Greg gave me the opportunity to take part.

My only regret is that I didn’t think of the whole idea first!

As a member of the losers circle, though, I do have one last request to my legions of fans – take your voting power and ensure that Erik Deckers takes this thing home! The rest of the contestants are great and all, but Erik’s been associated with Just Laugh the longest and since Angela already won herself a Weenie Award earlier this year, the boy definitely deserves it! Let’s make it happen, people… 😉

You all should also be aware that Survivor: Thailand finished up over the week, and I must say that this was finally a season where I was truly satisfied with the winner. I’m sure that most of the ladies saw Brian as a humungous jerk, and he certainly didn’t help that image of himself in the final tribal council, but out of all the contestants, he definitely played the game the best and deserved the million dollars…regardless of if he actually needed the money, or had a thriving career as a porn star before he did the show, or any other bs-excuse that you want to come up with because “your guy” didn’t win. I was a bit shocked to see just how close it turned out, as I assumed that it would’ve been a dead giveaway up against Clay, but then again, you know what they say about assumptions! 😮

Will I watch again next season? Absolutely! Even though the environment (The Amazon) already looks like it’s got Thailand: Part 2 written all over it, I’ll definitely be there every week, waiting to see what new goodies Mark Burnett has cooked up for us. People ridicule the show every time it comes around, but really, what’s there to complain about? Here’s a guy that just happened to hit upon a television goldmine and he’s going to tap that thing until it’s dry – the show’s been on for five seasons already, with a sixth due out in two months and casting already occurring for the seventh, and fewer and fewer shows on TV nowadays are able to pull off those kinds of numbers anymore. Other than The Real World, Burnett’s easily got the entire genre at his feet and he’d be foolish not to play that for all it’s worth!

Now if only I could find some way to exploit this new-found success…stay tuned for all the scheming details after the new year! 😎

Well, well, well – you’re certainly in for a treat this time around! Not only do I have an update or two for your ogling pleasure, but you’re even getting a column that won’t be appearing in Just Laugh for another two days!!! That’s right – somehow I’ve managed to get it done ahead of time for a change and being the nice guy that I am, I’m throwing it up here first for your enjoyment…I just hope it doesn’t suck… 😳

I feel it’s also important to mention that an interview I did earlier last month with the guys from KewlBox Entertainment – you know, the guys who made Elf Bowling, Santa Balls, and loads of other games that you’ve played at work while the boss isn’t looking – has been up at Just Laugh for a week or three now and people seem to love it, so maybe you will, too? Dan Ferguson & Mike Bielinski are both great guys and the whole thing just flowed really well…it was a blast to do and I’m told that it’s terribly hilarious, which sounds like a compliment to me! Anywho, if you’re looking to read a nice, down-to-earth interview with two of the coolest guys in the industry, I’d recommend that you check it out:

It’s a busy time for me, too, but hopefully I’ll have a couple more things for everyone by the end of the year…at least one for sure – we’ll see how things go and if I really feel like writing anything after the new toys come a rollin’ in! Hehehe…and just in case you haven’t done your shopping yet and still need to pick up something to show your favorite comedic genius just how much you really care, I’ve put together a list of a few last-minute items that I wouldn’t mind finding under the tree! Sure, they’re a tad on the expensive side, but that’s what you get for putting it off until the last minute, you lazy bastards…

5. Tri-Lam Dry Suit ($749.95 @ Divers Supply) – Anyone whose dove in Northern Michigan knows that it’s cold as hell during the summer, so that pretty much rules out any off-season diving altogether! Nonetheless, there are crazy people who do it, and they all have nice, warm drysuits like this one…help me be a crazy person, too!

4. 100 acres of rainforest (~$3985.00 @ World Land Trust) – I’ve got this great Venezualian shopping center that I’ve been wanting to build…just kidding! Quite a noble cause, I do believe, and they could certainly use the help.

3. Gibson Les Paul Custom Electric Guitar, with a wine red finish, ebony fingerboard, and silver hardware ($2,599.99 @ Gibson’s Custom Shop) – I need some serious motivation to get into the swing of things again and let me tell you, there’s no better motivation than a three thousand dollar axe that just screams rock ‘n roll! Lifelong backstage passes when I’m famous to whoever makes this one come true…

2. Pioneer 50″ 16:9 Widescreen Plasma HDTV Flat-Panel TV ($10,999.99 @ Best Buy) – Most everyone knows that I don’t do theaters unless it’s supposed to be a colossal showing (the fame has a downside…), so it only makes sense to have the best setup available in my living room right at home. I first fell in love with this beauty when I saw a display model in the store and it’s the closest thing to being there that I’ve ever seen…and they say that money can’t buy happiness!

1. Some Time Off So That I Can Work on My Novel (??? @ Just Laugh) – I’ve got ideas burning holes in my notepad, but I just never seem to have the time needed to work them out into the typical witty banter that I’m known for…so if somebody could just, like, do all of my work for like maybe, oh I don’t know, six months or something, then maybe I could make a little headway with this thing…

So there’s my list for those who asked – now get cracking! And I’ll probably regret ever posting this, but I’ve decided to finally break down and give the whole webcam-thing another whirl. Someone recently pointed out to me that my cam over at Just Laugh hasn’t been updated since I bought the camera, so I got motivated and took my first official cam picture for – who knows, maybe you’ll see my face end up in one of those famous cam-portals eventually or something. It’s amazing what will pass as humorous at three in the morning…

Until next time – only eight more shopping days left…use them wisely! 😎

As much as I hate to say it, I think winter’s finally here to stay. How do I know this? Well, the snow out in my driveway which is actually going to require mechanical removal would be my first hint, along with a consistent nagging by my wet socks after wadding through it to back up the theory! Yes, tomorrow’s going to be just a freakin’ blast… 😡

There does come a bit of goodness from all of this, though, as with the coming of winter also inevitably comes my favorite holiday of all – Christmas!!! Even though the house will be lacking the aesthetic qualities (i.e. lights) due to the moving thing this year, I’ve still got plenty of columns and other goodies to brighten your holiday, starting with this little piece below. My original intention, actually, was for this to be a Thanksgiving piece, but things got a little out of control – what can you do?

I also wanted to do a little plugging in this post, not for me actually, even though I could stand to see a bit of cash out of it if the proper response is drummed up! You see, my Dad has been building wooden boats, kayaks to be precise, for the last several years, both as gifts for friends and family and for himself. Well, he’s decided that this was as good a time as any to make an attempt at selling the things professional, so I offered to pitch in a hand and help get a website up and running for the cause. I did finally finish the project a week or two ago, so I would like to take this opportunity to shout out a little ad for the site in hopes that maybe someone out there will be interested in buying a boat of their own. I do think that some clarification is necessary – these aren’t your average run-of-the-mill, mass-produced kayaks. Each one is hand-crafted to the users exact specifications and the pieces are a real beauty before they even touch the water. I won’t lie to you – they ain’t cheap, either – but if you’ve got the money to spend and are looking for a great craft, I’d suggest that you take a look:

Natural Wood Kayaks, by Blue Water Boats

One last note before I go do something productive! I got a little bored this weekend and decided to look a little further into cataloging my DVD collection. I’d considered actually putting together the entire program myself, as some practice with databases and whatnot, but after coming across this program, it hardly seemed to be worth the effort – the old phrase, “No sense in re-inventing the wheel…” came to mind! The software is called DVD Profiler and it allows both an online, web-based interface and a stand-alone client for your home computer, and that alone was enough to sell me…but wait, there’s more! Behind the software sits a user-built database (much like the IMDB, although I couldn’t say whether or not this uses the same information), containing every little detail you could ever imagine about the DVD, from special features to plot summaries to a complete catalog of the actors and actresses involved – it’s really an impressive setup. You can enter your discs either by title, UPC (I did this for most of mine), or you can even insert each disc and let the auto-detect find them if you have a DVD drive in your computer, so entry is pretty painless. They even give you the opportunity to create a wish list, which I thought was a great idea for the upcoming holidays and even though you won’t find me doing the same at or anywhere else, I did manage to throw a few requests up here! I should also add that the software allows you to navigate your own wishlist and make purchases from the major retailers, all while comparing prices within, so that was a neat little extra, too. Summing it up, if you’re a home theater geek like I am and are looking for a great program to help you keep track of it all, along with a method to point the relatives in the right direction when doing your shopping, I’d certainly recommend that you give DVD Profiler a try…

If you’re really bored, or just want to see how much of my money I’ve blown on DVDs so far, click here to see the mother load!

(my wishlist is accessible from that link, too…happy hunting!)  😉

Oh yeah, I nearly forgot…

This story jumped out at me several weeks ago and just refused to let go, so I thought I’d hold on to it until I had the opportunity to share it with somebody:

Looking Forward to a Laugh? Good for You… (courtesy of Yahoo! News)

Apparently this thing that I’ve been doing just might have some positive benefits after all!!! Read two of my columns and call me in the morning… (no, better make it three!)

And for those who are, for whatever reason, interested in this sort of stuff, you should also know that I finally got off my keister and started reading the first of the Harry Potter books this weekend, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. Before the uninformed and ill-read get too many laughs in, though, I feel the need to stress that the hype has been absolutely correct – these books are fabulous, or at least this one is so far! Of course, I grew up on the likes of Tolkien and C.S. Lewis, so one might assume that I’d be a bit jaded towards the new guy in town, but I must say that it’s quite reassuring to know that the fantasy world of knights and wizards and dragons is being revived for another generation.


Of course, HBO has been playing the crap out of the movie lately because of the current success of its sequel, so it’ll be interesting to see the differences between the two and whether or not it holds up to the whole “The book is always better than the movie…” ideology once I get done. Nonetheless, I can say now that, without a doubt, if you’re looking for a funny and entertaining book to help pass the time that would otherwise end up getting spent talking to relatives over the next few days, then look no further because you’ve got yourself an easy pick right here! From ages 8 to 80, if you haven’t read this book yet and don’t plan to in the near future, I feel sorry for you… 🙄

You see, it’s not that I don’t update this site very often, it’s just that I never seem to get around to posting the official news concerning said updates. I think I did manage to figure this one out, though – if you hadn’t noticed, I’m not the type of person that can simply post a few words or even just a few sentences, so these posts tend to become quite verbose. The odd thing is that I have been writing a lot lately in the last two weeks and it’s this intense, bury myself under mountains of work-ethic that I’ve got going that prevents me from actually announcing my progress…“Well, I could just do the post now, or if I wait until tomorrow I can include this piece, too…” And so on, but now I’ve finally reached a breaking point, so let’s see if I can even remember everything that’s gone down…

The first project that was completed actually went up back near the beginning of the month and although I’m certainly glad to have it over with by now, it was very possibly the best feature that I’ve ever put together for Just Laugh. Appropriately titled A Tale of Two Summers…, this piece combined the talents of twenty-five writers from around the world to produce one of the most bizarre (and hilarious) stories you’ll ever read! The original concept stems back to days spent in various creative writing classes where we would work on a dozen or so pieces at a time by passing notebooks around the room and adding our own ideas to each respective plotline within a predetermined time – usually five minutes or something. Well, we changed things around just a little bit, lengthening the writing period a bit and only involving people who were actually funny, along with a new rule which really twisted things up – each writer was only allowed to read the chapter which came directly before their own during the writing process. Needless to say, it got extremely confusing and I will admit that we did need to do a bit of prodding from time to time to lead the story back in the general direction we were shooting for, but no matter how wacky some of the chapters got, the end product was more than we had ever expected and definitely worth your time if you’ve got a lazy afternoon to kill…

Our next stop along this journey takes a stab at everyone’s favorite holiday for dressing up in ridiculous outfits and gorging themselves with sweets, Halloween! The following column was actually originally intended to be included in Just Laugh’s Halloween issue itself, but instead we opted to throw it in with our big feature of the season, Just Laugh’s (Belatedly) Complete Guide to Halloween. This really turned out to be a complex project, as we didn’t want to simply throw together a list of our Halloween tributes from the year before…and I’m assuming that it would’ve been even funnier had we actually gotten it online somewhere in the general vicinity of Halloween rather than Thanksgiving, but hey, what can you do? Nonetheless, the column is still a good read and come to think of it, so is the entire feature in general, so you just might want to check both of them out…just in case!

Next in line is Humor Columnist Survivor! Honestly, I don’t have any idea how I’ve managed to make it this far because the other five contestants are all amazing writers, but hey, who’s gonna argue? We’re on something like the 14th week by now, so I suppose we might as well just take this thing right to the end! My next two columns actually somehow got dedicated to the competition, although I sure as hell didn’t plan it that way! It seems that not days after I had written the first column, I got notice from Greg (the main man behind HCS) that automatic immunity would be granted to anyone who wrote a new column within the next week pertaining to the topic of…grilled cheese. I was a bit confused, too, but I certainly wasn’t about to risk getting kicked out of the tribe over a freakin’ sandwich, so I did come up with a little something – it’s very 5 AM-ish, if you will, but honestly – grilled cheese?!

And so this brings us nearly up to speed, with the exception of one final column. As many of you may be aware of already, firearm season here in Northern Michigan has been open now for about a week. I have never been, nor will I ever be, a hunting person, and after seeing one too many carcasses while driving down the road, I finally snapped…

So for those of you feeling out of the loop, there’s your bloody update! With Thanksgiving only days away, and a new issue coming up with Just Laugh to boot, I’m not completely sure of how much will get done around here, but I do know that I’ve got some doosies sitting here on the idea notepad, so maybe if you’re really good, Santa will come just a tad early this year… Happy Holidays!!!

Check it out…

November 9, 2002 2:44pm
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Apparently pigs have gained the ability to fly and hell is working on starting up its own hockey team because Matt finally got around to putting his new website online! Yes, it’s true – the original works of Matthew Gatesy, my partner in crime over at Just Laugh, can now be found at the author’s official website:

It’s chocked full of all of his best stories, rants, and etc’s, so go take a looksie today!

On a completely unrelated note: I was finally able to get my hands on a copy of Big Trouble yesterday and I highly recommend this movie to anyone who doesn’t have anything to do this weekend! Of course, it was based on the novel by Dave Barry, and yes, this is one of those few movies that got delayed last year because it was scheduled to hit theaters within a week or two of the 9/11 tragedies, but if you’re a fan of Dave Barry, or Tim Allen, or even Geo Metro’s, you owe it to yourself to see this movie!

It was worth the twenty bucks I paid for the DVD, so it’s certainly worth the dollar it’ll cost you to go rent it at your local video store! Enjoy…

Remember me?

October 25, 2002 3:54am
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Wow, it’s hard to believe that it’s been an entire month since I lasted updated this thing…

Granted, life has been awfully busy, so I can always default to that excuse, right? Unfortunately, though, as my carry-over projects with Just Laugh finish up, a whole new set of them are popping up for the winter holiday season, so it seems as if I’ve always got something to be doing! Nonetheless, we do have some really cool stuff planned for the next few months, so I’m more than eager to wrap these ones up and get a fresh start on the next batch of hilarity…

As mentioned in the last update, we’re just completing our second run of Just Laugh’s Weenie Awards, which turned out to be gargantuanly successful…we were overwhelmed last year, but the festivities for 2002 just blew those right out of the water! (at this rate, maybe we’ll even be able to pull off an actual ceremony next year!) I can’t even recall the multiple of votes we had since last year, but the most exciting of all was probably that we were featured on a world-wide television broadcast for promotion – TechTV’s The Screen Savers to be specific. Long story short, one of their on-air talents, Martin Sargent, was nominated in the category of Sexiest Computer Geek, so he took it upon himself to plug the awards on TV and I’m delighted to report that he thoroughly whomped all over his competitors! That was a very good day for all of us…

Other than that, things have just been really busy in general. I’ve been dealing with an extremely broken desktop computer over the last month, which I’m finally looking forward to migrating back to from my laptop as soon as I finish with this update! (Upgrade Tip: be sure to have a steady supply of alcohol and aspirin on hand before attempting to format a system running Windows 98…) Many of you are also aware of the fact that I’m working on moving away from my beloved home here in Northern Michigan, which means I’m currently surrounded by dozens of boxes containing everything I’ve ever owned…not fun when you don’t necessarily have a set departure date yet! All in the same, I promise that there will be a separate entry here when that phenomenon takes place…hopefully very soon…and I’ll try to even work in a few pictures, too. As long as I’m out before the snow settles in, I’ll be a happy camper… 8)

Without further ado, I should tell you that I did manage to throw together a couple new pieces which are now around here somewhere. I’ve been working on the first one here for quite some time now (this was the big update I promised a month ago!) and I think that it turned out rather well – I really like how that series has turned out so far and am looking forward to doing another one soon…any ideas? The column was something that I had originally planned on writing for Just Laugh, but it ended up getting finished way too late and I honestly don’t think it’s really up to caliber to be included there anyways. The deadline for the next issue is coming up quite soon, though, and my plan is to have a themed piece ready for that issue, plus something exclusively for here, so we’ll see just how productive I end up being this weekend!

I’ve also taken the liberty of adding a few new links to some of my categories here, so feel free to do a little browsing there if you need something to do! With any luck, this won’t be the only update I’ll be posting in the next few days…

By the way, I feel the need to lastly note that I think I’m swiftly becoming addicted to jazz…not to be confused with love or coke… Thanks a lot, Wil! 😛

2nd Annual Just Laugh Weenie Awards

September 24, 2002 2:14am
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Well, I thought of keeping it all on the down-low around here, but after the media explosion which we’ve experienced today, I decided that I might as well make the announcement to my four readers here as well! Just Laugh magazine‘s signature recognition ceremony is back for another round and I sincerely hope that everyone will take a few minutes to scope out this year’s nominees…

Enjoy the show, cast a ballot for your favorites, and let the best comedic masters take home our greatest honor…

Overdue updates!

September 20, 2002 2:23am
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I know, I know – it’s been way too long!!! I’ve been so busy with literally half a dozen different projects, both for Just Laugh and even a couple in my own real life that some of the others have gotten pushed off to the side temporarily. Well, the clouds are finally clearing and I’ve got several pieces currently in various stages that I’m hoping to have ready at various points during the weekend, so hopefully this massive update will help to make up for my previous absence… 😛

Believe it or not, it’s already been eight weeks since the start of Humor Columnist Survivor and I’m still in the game! In fact, to commemorate my success so far, I’ve even managed to throw together a column which tells all about our first eight weeks and some other things you probably don’t want to know…

Another Day on the Island

And if you haven’t visited the official site, or just keep forgetting the address, just follow the link below…and don’t forget to vote in my favor while you’re there!

Don’t get excited just yet – we’re far from the end! I’ll be making more updates throughout the weekend, so stay tuned to this news post for the latest in all that is funny! 😐

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