An Independence Day Note, from the other side of the pond…

I tried to do some digging on this thing to figure out its origin … at one point it sounded a lot like a John Cleese bit, but Snopes said no … so I think it might be as old as those funny forwards that we used to spam each other’s inboxes with before all of this other social media lunacy came about.

I think #7 is my favorite – I’d be perfectly fine with strong legislation with regards to vegetable peelers… ūüėČ

Notice of the revocation of US Declaration of Independence 

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to 
elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby 
give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her 
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all 
states, commonwealths and other territories Рexcept for Utah, a Mormon state, 
which she does not fancy. 

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of 
you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) 
will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. 
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated 
next year to determine whether any of you noticed. 

To aid in your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are 
introduced with immediate effect: 

1. You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look¬†
up ‘aluminium’. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how¬†
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words¬†
such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’. Skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than¬†
laziness on your part. Similarly you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without¬†
skipping half the letters. You will end yourlove affair with the letter ‘Z’¬†
(pronounced ‘zed’, not ‘zee’) and the suffix ‘ize’ will be replaced by the¬†
suffix ‘ise’. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ –¬†
e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you¬†
can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your¬†
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up ‘vocabulary’.¬†

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 
“like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient¬†
form of communication. Look up ‘interspersed’. There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in¬†
the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then¬†
you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then¬†
you won’t have to use bad language as often.¬†

2. There is no such thing as “US English” and we will let Microsoft¬†
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take 
account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of ‘-ize’.¬†

3. You will learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really 
isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or¬†
Mancunian – ‘Daphne’ in ‘Frasier’. You will also have to learn how to understand¬†
regional accents РScottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast 
with subtitles. While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is¬†
no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you 
persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires –¬†
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 

4. Hollywood will be required at least occasionally to cast English actors as 
the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English 
characters. British sit-coms such as ‘Men Behaving Badly’ or ‘Red Dwarf’ will¬†
not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t¬†
cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. 

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, ‘God Save The Queen’ but¬†
only after fully carrying out task. We would not want you to get confused and 
give up half way through. 

6. You will stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. 
What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you 
who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that 
no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it 
and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be better if you 
played with the girls. It is a difficult game. 

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby which is 
similar to American “football” but does not involve stopping for a¬†
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies. We 
are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2007. 

You will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 
‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only¬†
2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is 
understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game¬†
called rounders which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, 
collector cards or hotdogs. 

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be 
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable 
peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially¬†
dangerous items you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable 
peeler in public. 

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national 
holiday but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day. 

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are rubbish and it is all for your 
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All 
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on 
the left with immediate effect. At the same time you will go metric with 
immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help 
you understand the British sense of humour. 

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are 
not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian, though 97.85% of you¬†
(including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a 
country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are 
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The 
traditional accompaniment to chips is beer, which should be served warm and 
flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea 
made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for 
tea made within the city of Boston itself. 

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at 
all Рit is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred 
to as beer and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred 
to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be 
referred to as Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine with the exception of the product of the¬†
American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen 
Knat’s Urine. This will allow true Budweiser – as manufactured for the last 1000¬†
years in Pilsen, Czech Republic Рto be sold without risk of confusion. 

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or gasoline as you will be 
permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. 
The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA 
will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon Рget used to it). 

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or 
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that 
you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by¬†
adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or¬†
speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.¬†

15. *Please* tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.¬†

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to¬†
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

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