I didn’t mean to stray…

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I caught my PS2 giving me very dirty looks this evening and I knew that something finally had to be done. I had been neglecting her for a few weeks now, always coming home late and never setting aside any time for just the two of us. Even though I usually was really tired or working on a new column, it wasn’t fair to make excuses to her – she deserves much better than that – so tonight I took a step towards making things better…

I’ve spent the bulk of the evening swapping between Vice City and actually working on writing-type stuff because as much as I’d love to just spend the whole weekend plastered in front of the TV, I really do need to finally get things caught up very soon. People are starting to ask questions about this book deal that’s supposed to be coming up this summer, which I haven’t made nearly as much progress as I need to have done by now. Plus, I got word briefly from Dave, my publisher for the Weekly, and apparently he’d kinda like his columns on time for a change, seeing as they prominently adorn the front page and it’s tough to layout the rest of the paper without them, so I’d like to get a head start on those, too. And of course, those editors over at Just Laugh have been hounding the shit out of me to get things in order, so maybe this is a sign that I actually need to start doing things for a change! Or I could just hire me one of those personal assistants like the President had…any takers???

Mountain Dew “Livewire” – Orange Ignited!

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Well, I tried a bottle of the new and improved Mountain Dew because I just had to know for myself. I had heard several different reports, some that it was way too sweet and tasted like orange syrup and others that it was actually quite refreshing. As far as I’m concerned, it was alright, but nothing to get all excited about. Personally, I liked it just fine ten years ago when it was called Orange Crush…

Nonetheless, I do hope that these cola experimentations continue because eventually they’re gonna have to give grape another try and I think grape is one of the most overlooked flavors that could be enjoyed in a carbonated form. Yeah, I know that Faygo and a bunch of other knock-offs already have purple-flavored drinks, but unless it has a name-brand on the label, I’m just not interested.

I’m somewhat of a consumer whore like that.

Public Etiquette

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Driving home on the freeway this afternoon, I saw something that stuck out as particularly disturbing to me (no pun intended…you’ll catch on in a minute). Maybe it’s just another case of my elderly-hood creeping up on me, but back when I was a kid, it was illegal to whip your penis out in public…

I had just passed an exit not too long ago – the third lane for merging was still there – and the car infront of me pulls off onto the side of the road. A teenage gentleman, and I use that term loosely, gets out the passenger side and procedes to relieve himself right there on the side of the road. He did have his back to the road, maybe as a courtesy or something, but if it was really a problem, there was a nice grouping of trees maybe twenty feet from the road which would’ve at least helped a little to cover up. Either that, or he could’ve done like the rest of us civilized folk do and actually gotten off on the last exit and found an actual rest room to use. Maybe it’s just me, but I think that by the time one is old enough to drive a car, he or she should also be able to identify appropriate places to whip out their genitals…and the interstate just isn’t one of them, at least not around here.

I might even feel more sorry for his girlfriend who was driving and has to put up with him on a day to day basis, but then again, she did actually pull over when he said, “Honey, I need to take a piss…right now…this strip of freeway looks as good as any, don’t mind the other cars….” Some people’s kids…

“EXPIRES ON MAY 11, 2003”

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Apparently I have until yesterday to drink a little less than a gallon of milk…

…and I’m not even thirsty. If I act a bit goofy over the next couple of days, just blame it on the expired dairy products of death…

Where’s Powdered Toast Man when you really need him?

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I had another run in with the toaster this morning and am starting to think that maybe the technology is just too much for me. I mean, I do love all that toast has to offer, and the fact that it’s not just about bread anymore is amazing, but I’m beginning to wonder if it’s worth the whole risk of burning down my house just for a piece of crispy bread with my breakfast.

I didn’t feel the need to take pictures this time, but here’s a shot of the last incident…

http://www.comedic-genius.com/gallery/other/100_0065_IMG

Maybe somebody could come up with some sort of toast that’s already, well, pre-toasted or something. You know, then I could just pop a slice in the microwave and the fire department never has to know about it.

Last one for the night…

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And I got this in my e-mail earlier yesterday – it looks like I’m still ok, for a few years anyways!

Are We Grown Up Yet? Study Says Not ‘Till 26
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=573&ncid=757&e=1&u=/nm/20030511/od_nm/life_adults_dc

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I’ve also decided that Jeff Probst has officially risen to the top of my list of coolest people alive, even beating out Kevin Smith and Steven Tyler.

Wow, it’s a good thing I don’t normally wear hats, eh?!

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Really, who saw that coming??? Not only did Jenna beat out Matthew, but she whooped him royally – a mere one vote?! What did I miss here?

After indulging upon a good three hours of Survivor goodness, however, I do have to say that she did make a comeback and thus I will retract 82% of my previous “she’s a bitch” statement. Of course, she pretty much just handed the crown over to Heidi in the process, but let’s face it – women are like that…what can we do?

As always, I also got a kick out of the “cleaned-up” shots of the cast, especially Heidi’s two-dollar-whore look – mind you, from one of the girls who took off all of her clothes for a bowl of peanut butter, what did we really expect? Oh, who am I kidding?! I certainly wouldn’t have kicked her out for eating crackers in bed…

All in all it was a great wrap-up to another really good season, despite whatever critics and friends have said in the past. The next season, Pearl Islands, looks sweet already; maybe it’s just because there will be pirates involved, but you know I’ll be watching! Of course, I have no idea what I’ll be doing until then!

Only two minutes away…

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Who will win???

If it ends up being Jenna, I’ll eat my hat. (translate: I really hope it isn’t Jenna!)

If either Butch or Matthew walk away with it, I’ll be happy because they’re the only honest ones left in the game. Actually I could probably even deal with Rob winning just because of the way he’s played the game – it’s made it a bit more entertaining to watch, what with him getting yelled at for all the back stabbing every week. Just as long as Jenna doesn’t win, because she’s a girl…and girls have cooties.

Oh yeah, and she seems like kind of a bitch, too, and yes, I’m easily enough of a chauvinist to say that completely guilt free!

The big night!!!

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That’s right, tonight’s the big Survivor finale and guess what? I’m still up to my ass in writing assignments…

Luckily (???), I’ll be on a three-hour delay to watch the thing in the first place, so maybe I can bang out a column or two before the party begins…we’ll see what happens! In the meantime, don’t spoil it for me!

P.S. The project I’m working on right now is terribly funny, so hopefully you’ll forgive me this time. 😉