Britney’s Guide to Semiconductor Physics
http://britneyspears.ac/lasers.htm
Friendly Sell-Outs and Publicity Whores…
How are you today? I’m great – thanks for asking!
Now on to the real focus of our attention today – why does everybody purposely do things that piss me off??? It’s common knowledge that I don’t take kindly to anyone asking for handouts, at least not those who inquire with serious intent and actually think I might give in. I work hard for my money and feel that sure, if you’re really doing something beneficial to society and need some help, then I’d be more than glad to make a donation – the boy scouts and girl scouts and cancer research and so forth fall into this category. On the other hand, if you’re just too lazy to work and think that I’m going to help support your sorry ass, then you’ve got another thing coming…
Situation #1: Intersection Beggars
We’ve all seen them with their shiny orange vests and collection buckets, taking up valuable space during rush hour that could be much more appropriately used for cars and other motor vehicles! I almost hit one the other day because he wanted my money and I wanted that particular spot of highway where he had been standing. It’s bad enough that these people solicit us during the holidays at every department and grocery store in town, so could you maybe just lay off on the drive home? Your life can’t possibly be worth the risk to make $43 off of those stupid little flowers, can it?!
Situation #2: We Lost Jesus…Again!
You’d think that somebody would’ve learned to put a leash on him by now, or maybe even one of those cool radio beacons with all of this new technology! But no, apparently Jesus remains lost to this very day, but the good news is that thousands and thousands of people are currently out combing the streets in search of him. I really hope they find him soon because I hear that his parents are pretty shook up about the whole thing…
Of course, I have a lot of very vibrant opinions about religion and Christianity and such, which I’m not going to go into right now for a lack of time, but I do want to say this – if you’ve become enlightened and want to dedicate your life to serving the lord, then I say that’s great – more power to you…just don’t expect to do it on my dime! I recently had a friend who somehow stumbled into this lifestyle, which I thought was particularly odd, especially for him, but to each his own, I suppose, or at least that’s what I thought until the letter appeared in my mailbox. It was a nice, form-written letter (certainly of the quality that you’d expect after ten years of friendship) that clearly explained his mission and newfound desire to share his love with the world, and then he told me how I could help! It’s good to know that even though I can’t be by his side all the time in spirit, my financial contributions will help to keep his spirits strong even in the worst of times…
If I had to very quickly choose the two biggest beefs that I have with religion, they would easily be that a) they’re continuously trying to force their own views onto others, knowing perfectly well that these people already have beliefs of their own; and b) that they consider their actions to be a service to the world, which everyone else should be grateful for and fund entirely out of our pockets. When I was a little kid, I had to bust my ass mowing lawns and selling Christmas trees to make enough money to go to summer camp each year, so why shouldn’t these guys have to pay for their own playtime? Maybe I wouldn’t feel so strongly about it if they were using the money to help build houses for the homeless or educate kids about the arts or even just help keep our sidewalks clean – feel free to even put up a sign afterwards that says “These homes were constructed in part by the members of XYZ Church and the donations of local residents” or something – actually make an effort and you can have some money, but don’t set out to argue that your God is better than everyone else’s God and then expect me to pay for it.
Whew! Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, it’s time to hit the road! I’ll be using this extended weekend to find Jesus kick back, relax, and drink beer with my friends, which is scheduled to take place waaaay up there in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. I’ve got a good six hour drive ahead of me, so if you see somebody pulled over alongside the road, beating the snot out of a tourist with his tire iron for driving half the speed limit, either get out and help or just keep driving! Oh yeah, and if anyone feels compelled to scribble down some funny in the form of a humor column and help Scott get caught up this weekend, then I’ll give you a donation!
Happy Memorial Day!!!
…but there ain’t no whales, so we tell tall tales and sing this whaling tune…
I don’t mean to brag, but I received quite the lucrative e-mail today. Nevertheless, even though it’s probably something that I should be keeping hush-hush, it wouldn’t hurt to tell just a couple people, right?
Maybe we can be neighbors!
From: <undisclosed>
Date: Tuesday, May 20, 2003 3:12 PM
To: Scott.Sevener@justlaugh.net
Subject: 1 Acre of land on the moon 29.99You Can Purchase 1 Acre of Land on the Moon $29.99. Stake Your Claim Now
Moon Land For Sale, unbelievable, but true.
The Perfect gift
Great Long-Term investment
You retain full mineral rights
A Great conversation pieceStake your claim
In 2003, the Trailblazer, a TransOrbital mission to the Moon, will deposit the names of the property holders listed in the database, on the actual Lunar surface.
Each package contains the deed for one acre of land and it lists the actual location of the property by quadrant, latitude and longitude.
A lunar map accompanies this, marked with an X showing the location of the property.
1 Acre of Land on the Moon $29.99
http://www.lunarlandrush.com
Talk about a babe magnet! Just think about the possibilities… “Hey baby, how’d you like to come back to my place and do a little hanky-panky…on the moon!“
Clean, but certainly not squeaky…
Well, today I did something that I totally hadn’t planned on doing anytime soon – I applied for a new job down in Florida. My original plan was to live out the summer up here in scenic Northern Michigan, which didn’t seem like all that bad of an idea, but after I read the job description…and saw what kind of money they wanted to pay, I couldn’t hardly not throw in my two cents. It even sounds like a job that I might actually enjoy doing – imagine that!
In other news, I don’t know how civilization ever made it from day to day before the ever-popular shower poof was invented, but mine broke on me the other day and to put it in laymen’s terms, I ain’t lookin’ too pretty anymore! The wash cloth just doesn’t cut it, so I think a special trip to Wal-Mart is going to be necessary tomorrow to ensure that this situation is alleviated as soon as possible. Betcha you feel informed now, don’t you?!
WTF???
http://www.inflatablechurch.com
The more things change, the more they stay the same…
Time truly does change all things, persons, and situations, for better or for worse.
The tricky part is differentiating which are important to you and which were important to you, and then making a choice…
We can spend our lives trying to rebuild the past or we can live our lives shaping the future, and while the later is a much more daunting task, challenging us to explore uncharted grounds and experience the unexperienced, it is said to be far more rewarding than striving in vain to alter what has already been written.
Of course, the choice is ultimately left solely to the individual, but it should be warned that even the most fruitiful of dreams cannot change the direction of another, for that is their own choice to make alone…
Just a little quirp from Life’s a Bitch: The Philosophies of the Funny Man, by Scott Sevener – due out six months from whenever someone would like to pay me some big-time cash to ramble on and on about my own personal problems and their resolutions.
I didn’t mean to stray…
I caught my PS2 giving me very dirty looks this evening and I knew that something finally had to be done. I had been neglecting her for a few weeks now, always coming home late and never setting aside any time for just the two of us. Even though I usually was really tired or working on a new column, it wasn’t fair to make excuses to her – she deserves much better than that – so tonight I took a step towards making things better…
I’ve spent the bulk of the evening swapping between Vice City and actually working on writing-type stuff because as much as I’d love to just spend the whole weekend plastered in front of the TV, I really do need to finally get things caught up very soon. People are starting to ask questions about this book deal that’s supposed to be coming up this summer, which I haven’t made nearly as much progress as I need to have done by now. Plus, I got word briefly from Dave, my publisher for the Weekly, and apparently he’d kinda like his columns on time for a change, seeing as they prominently adorn the front page and it’s tough to layout the rest of the paper without them, so I’d like to get a head start on those, too. And of course, those editors over at Just Laugh have been hounding the shit out of me to get things in order, so maybe this is a sign that I actually need to start doing things for a change! Or I could just hire me one of those personal assistants like the President had…any takers???
Mountain Dew “Livewire” – Orange Ignited!
Well, I tried a bottle of the new and improved Mountain Dew because I just had to know for myself. I had heard several different reports, some that it was way too sweet and tasted like orange syrup and others that it was actually quite refreshing. As far as I’m concerned, it was alright, but nothing to get all excited about. Personally, I liked it just fine ten years ago when it was called Orange Crush…
Nonetheless, I do hope that these cola experimentations continue because eventually they’re gonna have to give grape another try and I think grape is one of the most overlooked flavors that could be enjoyed in a carbonated form. Yeah, I know that Faygo and a bunch of other knock-offs already have purple-flavored drinks, but unless it has a name-brand on the label, I’m just not interested.
I’m somewhat of a consumer whore like that.
Public Etiquette
Driving home on the freeway this afternoon, I saw something that stuck out as particularly disturbing to me (no pun intended…you’ll catch on in a minute). Maybe it’s just another case of my elderly-hood creeping up on me, but back when I was a kid, it was illegal to whip your penis out in public…
I had just passed an exit not too long ago – the third lane for merging was still there – and the car infront of me pulls off onto the side of the road. A teenage gentleman, and I use that term loosely, gets out the passenger side and procedes to relieve himself right there on the side of the road. He did have his back to the road, maybe as a courtesy or something, but if it was really a problem, there was a nice grouping of trees maybe twenty feet from the road which would’ve at least helped a little to cover up. Either that, or he could’ve done like the rest of us civilized folk do and actually gotten off on the last exit and found an actual rest room to use. Maybe it’s just me, but I think that by the time one is old enough to drive a car, he or she should also be able to identify appropriate places to whip out their genitals…and the interstate just isn’t one of them, at least not around here.
I might even feel more sorry for his girlfriend who was driving and has to put up with him on a day to day basis, but then again, she did actually pull over when he said, “Honey, I need to take a piss…right now…this strip of freeway looks as good as any, don’t mind the other cars….” Some people’s kids…
“EXPIRES ON MAY 11, 2003”
Apparently I have until yesterday to drink a little less than a gallon of milk…
…and I’m not even thirsty. If I act a bit goofy over the next couple of days, just blame it on the expired dairy products of death…