…but there ain’t no whales, so we tell tall tales and sing this whaling tune…

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I don’t mean to brag, but I received quite the lucrative e-mail today. Nevertheless, even though it’s probably something that I should be keeping hush-hush, it wouldn’t hurt to tell just a couple people, right?

Maybe we can be neighbors!

From: <undisclosed>
Date: Tuesday, May 20, 2003 3:12 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: 1 Acre of land on the moon 29.99

You Can Purchase 1 Acre of Land on the Moon $29.99. Stake Your Claim Now

Moon Land For Sale, unbelievable, but true.

The Perfect gift
Great Long-Term investment
You retain full mineral rights
A Great conversation piece

Stake your claim

In 2003, the Trailblazer, a TransOrbital mission to the Moon, will deposit the names of the property holders listed in the database, on the actual Lunar surface.

Each package contains the deed for one acre of land and it lists the actual location of the property by quadrant, latitude and longitude.

A lunar map accompanies this, marked with an X showing the location of the property.

1 Acre of Land on the Moon $29.99

http://www.lunarlandrush.com

Talk about a babe magnet! Just think about the possibilities… “Hey baby, how’d you like to come back to my place and do a little hanky-panky…on the moon!“

Clean, but certainly not squeaky…

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Well, today I did something that I totally hadn’t planned on doing anytime soon – I applied for a new job down in Florida. My original plan was to live out the summer up here in scenic Northern Michigan, which didn’t seem like all that bad of an idea, but after I read the job description…and saw what kind of money they wanted to pay, I couldn’t hardly not throw in my two cents. It even sounds like a job that I might actually enjoy doing – imagine that!

In other news, I don’t know how civilization ever made it from day to day before the ever-popular shower poof was invented, but mine broke on me the other day and to put it in laymen’s terms, I ain’t lookin’ too pretty anymore! The wash cloth just doesn’t cut it, so I think a special trip to Wal-Mart is going to be necessary tomorrow to ensure that this situation is alleviated as soon as possible. Betcha you feel informed now, don’t you?!

The more things change, the more they stay the same…

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Time truly does change all things, persons, and situations, for better or for worse.

The tricky part is differentiating which are important to you and which were important to you, and then making a choice…

We can spend our lives trying to rebuild the past or we can live our lives shaping the future, and while the later is a much more daunting task, challenging us to explore uncharted grounds and experience the unexperienced, it is said to be far more rewarding than striving in vain to alter what has already been written.

Of course, the choice is ultimately left solely to the individual, but it should be warned that even the most fruitiful of dreams cannot change the direction of another, for that is their own choice to make alone…

Just a little quirp from Life’s a Bitch: The Philosophies of the Funny Man, by Scott Sevener – due out six months from whenever someone would like to pay me some big-time cash to ramble on and on about my own personal problems and their resolutions.

I didn’t mean to stray…

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I caught my PS2 giving me very dirty looks this evening and I knew that something finally had to be done. I had been neglecting her for a few weeks now, always coming home late and never setting aside any time for just the two of us. Even though I usually was really tired or working on a new column, it wasn’t fair to make excuses to her – she deserves much better than that – so tonight I took a step towards making things better…

I’ve spent the bulk of the evening swapping between Vice City and actually working on writing-type stuff because as much as I’d love to just spend the whole weekend plastered in front of the TV, I really do need to finally get things caught up very soon. People are starting to ask questions about this book deal that’s supposed to be coming up this summer, which I haven’t made nearly as much progress as I need to have done by now. Plus, I got word briefly from Dave, my publisher for the Weekly, and apparently he’d kinda like his columns on time for a change, seeing as they prominently adorn the front page and it’s tough to layout the rest of the paper without them, so I’d like to get a head start on those, too. And of course, those editors over at Just Laugh have been hounding the shit out of me to get things in order, so maybe this is a sign that I actually need to start doing things for a change! Or I could just hire me one of those personal assistants like the President had…any takers???

Mountain Dew “Livewire” – Orange Ignited!

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Well, I tried a bottle of the new and improved Mountain Dew because I just had to know for myself. I had heard several different reports, some that it was way too sweet and tasted like orange syrup and others that it was actually quite refreshing. As far as I’m concerned, it was alright, but nothing to get all excited about. Personally, I liked it just fine ten years ago when it was called Orange Crush…

Nonetheless, I do hope that these cola experimentations continue because eventually they’re gonna have to give grape another try and I think grape is one of the most overlooked flavors that could be enjoyed in a carbonated form. Yeah, I know that Faygo and a bunch of other knock-offs already have purple-flavored drinks, but unless it has a name-brand on the label, I’m just not interested.

I’m somewhat of a consumer whore like that.

Public Etiquette

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Driving home on the freeway this afternoon, I saw something that stuck out as particularly disturbing to me (no pun intended…you’ll catch on in a minute). Maybe it’s just another case of my elderly-hood creeping up on me, but back when I was a kid, it was illegal to whip your penis out in public…

I had just passed an exit not too long ago – the third lane for merging was still there – and the car infront of me pulls off onto the side of the road. A teenage gentleman, and I use that term loosely, gets out the passenger side and procedes to relieve himself right there on the side of the road. He did have his back to the road, maybe as a courtesy or something, but if it was really a problem, there was a nice grouping of trees maybe twenty feet from the road which would’ve at least helped a little to cover up. Either that, or he could’ve done like the rest of us civilized folk do and actually gotten off on the last exit and found an actual rest room to use. Maybe it’s just me, but I think that by the time one is old enough to drive a car, he or she should also be able to identify appropriate places to whip out their genitals…and the interstate just isn’t one of them, at least not around here.

I might even feel more sorry for his girlfriend who was driving and has to put up with him on a day to day basis, but then again, she did actually pull over when he said, “Honey, I need to take a piss…right now…this strip of freeway looks as good as any, don’t mind the other cars….” Some people’s kids…

“EXPIRES ON MAY 11, 2003”

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Apparently I have until yesterday to drink a little less than a gallon of milk…

…and I’m not even thirsty. If I act a bit goofy over the next couple of days, just blame it on the expired dairy products of death…

Where’s Powdered Toast Man when you really need him?

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I had another run in with the toaster this morning and am starting to think that maybe the technology is just too much for me. I mean, I do love all that toast has to offer, and the fact that it’s not just about bread anymore is amazing, but I’m beginning to wonder if it’s worth the whole risk of burning down my house just for a piece of crispy bread with my breakfast.

I didn’t feel the need to take pictures this time, but here’s a shot of the last incident…

http://www.comedic-genius.com/gallery/other/100_0065_IMG

Maybe somebody could come up with some sort of toast that’s already, well, pre-toasted or something. You know, then I could just pop a slice in the microwave and the fire department never has to know about it.

Last one for the night…

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And I got this in my e-mail earlier yesterday – it looks like I’m still ok, for a few years anyways!

Are We Grown Up Yet? Study Says Not ‘Till 26
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=573&ncid=757&e=1&u=/nm/20030511/od_nm/life_adults_dc