That’s one BIG Twinkie…

I decided to make a visit down to camp last night, which turned out being both refreshing and bizarre at the same time. I had actually considered going back again this year, but the lack of adequate pay coupled with the fact that not very many of my previous co-workers would be around were enough to change my mind, plus I finalized that five years was quite long enough to spend persuading hyper kids that nature is, indeed, their friend! It was an interesting trip, nonetheless, because nearly the entire staff this year is comprised of fifteen and sixteen year-olds, minus maybe four or five of my older friends from years past. What was probably the most odd of all was seeing all of these kids whom I taught years ago, now teaching other kids the same things – kind of neat, makes me feel a bit older, but it’s good to see that the job is still getting done all the same.

I also nearly considered taking on the ever-popular Atkins diet this afternoon, but fortunately my absolute lust for all that is yummy quickly got the best of me and I abandonned that little goal before I went shopping for brocoli and eggs. I was just sitting down in front of the TV, preparing to enjoy a bit of Sports Night, when it occurred to me just how delicious some potato chips would be, yet of course, anyone who’s done any research on this particular diet whatsoever knows that the first several weeks are very critical to your overall success – no bread, no sugars, no fruit, and absolutely no snack foods! I think what did me in was when I got to thinking that even if I did manage to lose weight under this plan, you pretty much have to continue a variation of the same ideals FOREVER to avoid getting huge again and I don’t care how fat I become, giving up my favorite Made-Rite Wavy Sweet Barbecue potato chips will never be a solution to any problem that I’m willing to accept! Call me a greedy bastard, but if world peace rested on the concept of my giving up these wonderful treats for the rest of my days, then we’re just going to have to find another way to get along because it ain’t gonna happen…

So needless to say, I’m back on the old stand-by diet again, which isn’t technically a diet at all, but seeing as I didn’t really give it much of a chance the first time around, it seemed only fair that I give it a second shot. I know that it just isn’t physically possible for me to completely cut Dr. Pepper out of my diet, but I’m thinking that if I at least get my water intake close to the eight glasses per day, it should at least help to drop the number of cans that I consume every day back into the single digits! On that aspect alone, I would’ve never made the whole Atkins deal – a single can contains about 40 grams of Carbohydrates, while your entire diet for the entire day under this plan only allows for 20 grams per day, all of which are supposed to come from meats and veggies. I drink more than half a can per day, so without even factoring in the Oreos and chips and Chinese take-out and pizza, I’m already screwed! I do honestly still believe, however, that simply sticking to the whole exercising thing and moderating my eating habits, even just a little, should be enough to get things back under control…

And by some chance that this doesn’t work, there’s always liposuction, right???

…the woes of writing…

I’ve been walkin’ my mind to an easy time, my back turned towards the sun.
Lord knows, when the cold wind blows, it’ll turn your head around…

Have you ever caught yourself compromising your own integrity to get ahead in life, or maybe even simply because you can’t see any other choice? Well, that’s what I’m running into as I start getting more and more paid writing assignments. Maybe I’m making too big of a deal about it, but I’m starting to have some concerns about the actual role that an editor plays and it just really urks me that I can’t do a damn thing about it. Signing that contract brought along a few other details that I hadn’t expected and requesting an updated version would probably result in me losing the job altogether, but I guess, once again, that the financial aspects play trump here and shout “Shut up and deal with it. You’ve only got six more weeks until the car’s paid off anyways, so just smile and keep thinking about that permanent vacation at the end of the summer…”

It’s just that I don’t understand where these choices are coming from – as I continue on with my role as the Editor-in-Chief of Just Laugh, although the word editor is technically in my title, I really don’t do that much editing, per se. I’ll correct the stray spelling and grammar points if I come across them, but for the most part I opt to leave our columns as they were originally submitted. Mind you, if there are major problems, they’ll get sent back and a rewrite is requested, but I can honestly say that I can count the number of times that that has happened on one hand. We’ve got a fantastic group of writers who all take a great amount of pride in what they do, so naturally they wouldn’t think of sending me anything that wasn’t anything but their very best. I don’t find myself adding in little tidbits here and there that I think would be funny or change the wording to something else that I prefer because then the piece isn’t completely written by that single author anymore, now is it?

So if you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m a bit peeved because somebody has been making their own additions to my columns before they’re being published, and additions that don’t even make any sense to boot! Of course, my writing style has always been more relaxed than most, so if I don’t mention sponsors or what have you, although I don’t normally write like that, I can understand why they should be included. But the particular change that started this whole thing doesn’t make a lick of sense in the context where it was added, making me look like I don’t know what I’m doing because, well, my name’s at the top of the page. A few weeks ago, Courtney showed me a story that she had been asked to write for an editor, who in turn put her own name on it and published it as her own, which would’ve enfuriated me beyond belief to say the least, but I guess it goes without saying that pretty much any writing-related issues have a tendency to get under my skin better than most.

Will I end up causing a stink about this? I probably could, but for the sake of disrupting the otherwise fairly straight track that I’m on, I won’t, but I will say this – Read, re-read, and then read again that contract before you sign it! Granted, things could actually be a lot worse, but they could be a lot better, too…

Where’d Scott go?

Man, talk about a busy summer! What I wouldn’t give right now to just be able to sit on a secluded beach for about a week with a margarita in one hand and the new Harry Potter book in the other… No deadlines, no stress, no “Am I going to get the job or not?”s – just peace and quiet as I follow a young wizard through a predictable, yet always intriguing set of adventures, the only background noise for miles being the sound of the ocean waves crashing up against the shore. That would be very nice, indeed!

But it ain’t gonna happen any time soon, and especially not this week! I finished up a group of almost ten columns last week for the paper, highlighting all of the goodies to be found at Alpenfest this week, and now I’ve got three more to write before Thursday already; this week also marks the 50th issue of Just Laugh, so of course a special presentation is being put together for all of that; and on top of it all, I’m still backed up in trying to finish about five increasingly old projects that I wanted to take care of during my “free month” of June. I’ve only got one or two more paragraphs to write for the one that I wanted to finish tonight, but alas I’m here writing this instead…

So what’s been happening lately that’s actually fun? Hmmm – last night Lori helped me mat a couple of pictures that I’ve been meaning to get to for a while now, which was both fun and a learning experience at the same time. We ended up going through almost both of the full sheets that I had bought, due to slipping and other stupid mistakes, but you’ve gotta learn somehow, right? It’s really too bad that we don’t have a good store that sells the stuff closer than 150 miles away because I’ve got more that could be done and we were getting pretty good at it, but save some for tomorrow, eh?! I also cleaned out a fish tank tonight…because apparently its previous state was considered a form of animal cruelty…but you can actually see inside now and I think the fish are at least somewhat grateful! Other than that, it’s pretty much just been me sitting in front of a keyboard, pounding out literary genius from dusk until dawn – I live a crazy and exciting life, I’ll tell ya!

And what does this life have in store for our hero next week? Adventure? Romance? Maybe even a new job, even though it’s almost certain that somebody else already got it instead? Stay tuned for all of the latest details – same BatTime, same BatJournal…

I’m scared…somebody hold me…

People – it’s FICTION – not real – made up – didn’t really happen, so what’s the problem?

Harry Potter Fan’s Magic Attempt Sets House Ablaze

MADRID (Reuters) – A woman set her Madrid home on fire as she cooked up a potion in an attempt to imitate the fictional wizard Harry Potter, emergency services said.

The 21-year-old was rescued Wednesday by firemen and treated for minor injuries, but half her home was destroyed.

The ambulance service said she had told them she was trying to emulate the boy magician, hero of the books by J K Rowling that have been a sensation among adults and children alike.

For want of more magical ingredients, the woman cooked up a potion of water, oil, alcohol and toothpaste, local media reported. It was unclear what spell she was trying to weave.

It’s people like this that give us freakshows and weirdos a bad name…

new job?

Ooh! Ooh! A job listing for the Tampa Tribune, and with a position that I could actually handle, no less! Resume goes out first thing in the morning. (…anyone have experience with regular mail vs. applying online?)

Anywho, wish me luck, cross your fingers, and hands off ’cause I called it first! That means you, Michael…

Big Pink – it’s the only gum with the breath-freshening power of ham…

…and it pinkens your teeth while you chew!

Tonight Brandi and I went for about a three or four mile walk…and it rained. Ok, well it started off just barely sprinkling and I figured that it was nothing, but at nearly the halfway mark, it really started coming down. Mind you, it wasn’t too bad after all because it was still something like seventy-five degrees out (at 1:30 in the morning!), so maybe it was refreshing – I’m still not quite sure yet.

I also started noticing some of the little details that you typically don’t pick-up on during a normal, busy day. It’s kind of odd because Gaylord’s still a fairly small town, with only like ten or fifteen thousand people, and I used to absolutely loathe the place – blah blah, there’s nothing to do, etc, etc.. – but between walking around recently and all of the local writing I’ve been doing for the paper, I’m actually seeing that this place really isn’t so bad. The little things like all of the landscaped homes and businesses, or even just the sidewalks along the residential streets – and the fact that I can walk my dog pretty much anywhere in the city at 2:00 AM without having to worry about running into trouble – it figures that once I finally get a plan to leave the area that is financially sound and actually has the potential to happen, then I begin to enjoy living here!

Oh well, I suppose as long as I can find somewhere down south where I can walk my dog without getting mugged, it’ll all work out for the best, even if it does mean making laps around the parking lot of a gated community…

Young man, you have the bravery of a hero, and breath as fresh as a summer ham!
— Henry Kissinger’s head

The Doctor of Love passes on…

Love Crooner Barry White Dies in L.A. at 58

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Soul singer Barry White, whose rich bass crooning stirred romance in the hearts of a generation of fans, died on Friday at the age of 58, his manager Ned Shankman said.

Shankman told reporters White, a two-time Grammy winner, died at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles where he had been battling kidney failure brought on by high blood pressure. He suffered a stroke May.<<FULL STORY>>

It looks like I’ll have to find somebody else to administer my wedding. Has there ever been anybody as cool as this man? I don’t think so.

You will be missed, Barry – you dog, you!

And now, the news…

Just a few of the more interesting articles I’ve come across over the past few days. Silly reporters…

Great White Shark Gatecrashes Tuna Dinner Party

SYDNEY (Reuters) – A Great White Shark has gatecrashed a tuna research project in Australia, mysteriously appearing inside a fishing pen containing around 100 tuna.

The 13-foot shark, weighing around 1,500 pounds, is thought to have either bitten its way into the tuna pond or leapt a 7.5 feet electrified fence while chasing a seal last Thursday.<<FULL STORY>>

“A head count of the tuna showed two had disappeared.” Must’ve sucked to be the guy chosen to make that count…I knew there was a perfectly good reason for not accepting that oceanography internship…

Study: Sugary Drinks Help Children Get Fat

WASHINGTON (Reuters) – The proof’s in the calories: those sweet sodas, bottled teas and fruit drinks can make your children fat, U.S. researchers said on Friday.

Children who drank more than 12 ounces of sweetened drinks a day gained significantly more weight over two months than children who drank less than 6 ounces a day, the team of nutritionists at Cornell University in New York found.

The soft drink industry has long argued that a lack of exercise and not the availability of drinks is responsible for the rise of obesity in the United States. <<FULL STORY>>

I want to be a scientist when I grow up. News Flash: eating stuff makes you get bigger, animals don’t like getting poked with sticks, and women still don’t find my lab coat sexy…

UK Lesbian to Give Birth to Online ‘DIY’ Baby

LONDON (Reuters) – A lesbian is to give birth to one of the first babies conceived in Britain using sperm provided by an Internet donor service, British newspapers reported Saturday.

The baby of Jaime Saphier, 26, is due in January. She and her partner Sarah Watkinson, 31, who live in the northwest city of Liverpool paid the Web site www. mannotincluded.com 1,305 pounds ($2,156) to match them with a sperm donor and provide a full medical screening of the donor.<<FULL STORY>>

Why do I somehow see ‘supply and demand’ just beating the tar out of this idea? Sure, it sounds like a great idea and maybe it would even help to offset some of our porn costs, but will the lesbians be able to keep up with our ever-increasing sperm supply? Will just anybody be able to do this or will it be one of these broadband-only services? Also, how much will any necessary adapters cost upfront, or will some sort of rental program be available?

Eminem Pulls a Jacko

Eminem’s latest celeb target: Michael Jackson.

The people-displeasin’ rapper, who has provoked Mariah Carey, dissed Christina Aguilera and denied “Weird Al” Yankovic, spoofed Jacko Tuesday in Scotland, dangling a fake baby from a hotel window.

As for Yankovic, the musical funnyman expressed disappointment that Eminem blocked him from filming a music video for his latest opus, “Couch Potato,” a reworked version of the 8 Mile hit, “Lose Yourself.”

Eminem’s rep said, at the time, that the rapper didn’t mind “Weird Al” messing with the song’s lyrics, but that he wanted to preserve its image.<<FULL STORY>>

I couldn’t care less about the whole Michael Jackson thing, but preserving Eminem’s image?! He’s fucking Eminem – what’s left to preserve? As far as I’m concerned, that’s like Jeffrey Dahmer suing for damages because he’s really just an artistic chef at heart…give me a break! Puffy (Sean Combs, P. Diddy, Schwang Doodle, or whatever…) let him do it, so what’s the problem?

Just think – if the news wasn’t so exciting, I might actually be writing right now…